


100 Days of Rain

by tofu_ly



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, M/M, Past Lives, Strangers to Lovers, Time Loop, all of skz will show up in some capacity but only major characters are tagged, updates once a month! maybe more often if i’m feeling motivated haha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22880791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tofu_ly/pseuds/tofu_ly
Summary: “50 times... that’s, what, 13 years?”“Yeah but I lost 1000 days to the Dark Ages.” Felix says nonchalantly. “Really went off the rails for a little bit there.”Seungmin stares at him in concern. Upon catching his eye, Felix hastily backtracks.“I mean- it was just for a little bit! I moved onto my Renaissance, it’s all good now.”or; Felix is stuck in a time loop and he wants OUT. Seungmin is there to help him break the cycle.
Relationships: Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix
Comments: 19
Kudos: 41





	1. Day 0

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended listening:
> 
> Last Train - Majiko

In the city, it rains for 100 days without reprieve. In the gap between forlorn winter days and mild spring nights, rainwater falls in a deluge upon the concrete-heavy streets of Seoul, bridging the dissonant world from one season to the next with weather unchanging. Seungmin had known this before he moved to Seoul. As a child, his grandmother would often tell him about the city folk who were being punished by the Earth herself for tarring over her land with their teetering towers and ravenous roads. They must face the consequences of their greed, she would say, pointing out of Seungmin’s bedroom window to the thick night beyond. Out there in the countryside, where humans existed in synchronicity with the land from which they lived, the weather was much more reasonable.

The day Seungmin moved to Seoul, it was surprisingly warm. He rode the clattering scarlet local line through towns, not unlike the one he had just left, diffused in a fine layer of dust that lingered beneath the high noon sun like a particularly stubborn stain on one’s favourite sweater. Waves of heat surged from the dirt, falling in an iridescent shimmer that obscured the fields of swaying sunflowers passing by the window in a yellow-grey blur. The journey is long, and the sun rises and sets twice before Seungmin even reaches the station that marks the exact half-way point of his expedition. With his eyelids sinking under the weight of the day’s travel, Seungmin shuffles from one train to the next with his small suitcase in tow, collapsing into one of many seats in the carriage that is now blue to wait out the sunrise. Lanterns neither electric nor candle-lit swing from the carriage ceiling, and in the newly offered light Seungmin decides to check his itinerary one more time. He searches for and successfully locates, a thick brown envelope laying in the satchel bag sagging from his shoulder. Within the envelope are letters stacked upon forms stacked upon photocopied transcripts, all branded with the same royal blue letterhead of the Royal Park School of Music. He’d collected them together over many months, waiting in the bitter morning air edged with the glow of impending dawn, ready to intercept the postman before his family could awaken, securing the secret correspondence in the waistband of his pyjama pants until he could hide it properly in the false bottom of his childhood toy box. Little by little, he had hoarded the savings from his part-time job, until finally, he had enough to purchase a one-way ticket to Seoul; stealing away before the rooster’s call without speaking a word of it to his parents.

There was no dramatic stand-off between Seungmin and his parents. No tearful shouting match across the breakfast table, both sides flinging words barbed with poison to tear down the opposition. His mother loved to listen to him sing, had accompanied him hand-in-hand to his piano lessons two towns over every week since he was five years old. She was his enduring supporter, always ready with a kind word when he needed it. On the other hand, his father was detached; so far removed from Seungmin’s life and his decisions, he wasn’t even aware that Seungmin played the piano. During the limited bonding time they had spent over the years, taking long walks through the nearby forest, noting species of bird and wildflowers they saw on the way, they had gotten along amicably. It was just that he was continuously busy with work; gone from the house during the weekend, appearing again on Sundays for family meals and the occasional outing, before jumping on the high-speed train to start the work week once again. Despite Seungmin’s secrecy in his preparations, it wasn’t borne of ill-will; it was simply a determination that he had to see through by himself.

Now, he reads his acceptance letter one more time, listing start dates and accommodation details. For months he had read it by moonlight, in the darkness of his bedroom where only he could see, listening to his parent’s soft breathing oblivious to the dreams their son was chasing. Even with the savoury weight of the paper envelope between his fingers, a tangible connection to it all, Seungmin still couldn’t accept in his heart of hearts the reality of his decision. It was a dream within a dream, delicate and prone to unravelling at the slightest butterfly touch. It had only been in recent days that he had convinced himself that the universe wasn’t simply playing an elaborate trick on him. They had an understanding, he thought; Seungmin and the universe. Jokes were ok, harmless pranks he could laugh off with ease, but outright lies were beyond the agreement. He couldn’t handle it if the cosmos lied to him.

Seungmin replaces the envelope in his bag, settling it back into its proper place next to a paperback novel he had secured at its side, and a leather wallet with a broken zip. In an attempt to hamper the doubts weighing on his thoughts, and to relieve his tired eyes, he settles his chin against his chest and promptly falls asleep. 

In his sleep, Seungmin dreams.

He dreams light dreams about tea with his grandmother, and the cup she used to give him that would refill itself whenever it became three-quarters empty. A warm memory. A kitchen filled with steam, the tangerine walls heavy with condensation, snaking around their shoulders as they dealt each other playing cards from a battered deck, and burnt their hands on the cracked teapot that had not yet cooled. It was years ago now, that scene; an isolated memory of a time, and a person, long gone.

With the image of his origin growing smaller as the train pulled away from the platform, a goodbye he would never get to say slipping between his lips, the dream releases him. Burdensome eyes flicker open to behold a carriage stolen in complete darkness. Seungmin flinches, unsure as to why the gentle lanterns now lay cold and silent. He looks from one end of the carriage to the other, a slow panorama as he takes stock of his surroundings, and that’s when he realises someone is sitting beside him. 

It’s difficult to pick out features in the dark, and for a moment Seungmin can’t be sure that the figure in the seat beside him is even a person. Newly fallen rain beats against the windows in a chaotic two-step, threatening to crash through and shower the empty carriage in glass, a warning, perhaps. Seungmin braces himself, but the window holds steady. He squints into the gloom, wanting to reach into his satchel for his glasses, but being too afraid to move.

The stranger is sat in complete stillness, back angled at a perfect 90-degree angle, or what Seungmin assumes to be a 90-degree angle; the outlines of seat and stranger blur into one signifier without the presence of light to separate them. There are no shadows and no dichotomous categories to create clear-cut identity of object and subject, and so they become one with a decisiveness that defies Seungmin’s natural perception of the world. It’s intriguing, but frightening all the same.

With intrigue outweighing the fear, Seungmin reaches a hand towards the figure at his side. His fingers shake as the distance between them closes, his pace slow and steady. No noise, no ascertainable image, no identifiable scent apart from that of fresh rain; the taste on his tongue is metallic - all of it is questionable. The senses tend to confuse themselves in the dark, and it would be foolish of Seungmin to deny that what he’s seeing could be an illusion, brought about by hours of sitting on trains and hypnopompic meddling. It could all be fake, so he has to make sure.

Seungmin reaches out and grabs onto loose fabric - it’s rough, like tiny cactus needles pricking his palms. At the same moment that contact is established, light floods the carriage from a passing station outside. The two of them are bathed in a harsh electric glow packed with half-refractions that makes Seungmin want to shut his eyes whole against its glare. He doesn’t, though, choosing to keep watch as the sudden revelation transforms the shadowy visage in front of him from a cryptic answer to a fully-fleshed human.

It’s a boy, around Seungmin’s age perhaps, looking far off into a distant dream that only he can see. He has a sharp, wide jaw, and ears angled at such a point that Seungmin mistakes him for a fae; a creature his grandmother used to speak about long ago. His face is relaxed under the dragging force of palpable lethargy; eyes smooth like black pebbles on a deserted beach, half-closed and fluttering. His jaw is slack, lips slightly parted, breathing an audible monotone beneath the smooth hum of the train in all its vibrant being. The boy’s hair, brown like the depths of the forest, is parted in the middle and falls in light touches along his brow. The fabric that Seungmin had grabbed, he can now see, was a sweater; navy, oversized, with white zigzags cutting horizontally across the front. It’s not quite a Christmas jumper, but it carries the unmistakable mark of winter upon it.

Seungmin pulls away, suddenly aware of his actions, a gasp escaping into the hither-to uninterrupted silence. The light retreats almost simultaneously and falls away into a distant recollection. Once again left in the dark, Seungmin finds that the momentary illumination has given him purchase to better see the shapes around him. And as Seungmin’s eyes adjust to the previously hidden scene, he finds himself staring at the boy who is now looking right back at him.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin rushes to explain himself. “I didn’t mean to grab you! I just wanted to check that you were real…”

As soon as the words have left his mouth, Seungmin realises how strange they sound. He’s cursing himself for such a knee-jerk response when the boy replies in confusion: “Of course I’m real. Why wouldn’t I be?”

The disparity between the elven boy Seungmin had glimpsed in the intermittent light and the deep voice now questioning him is immediately apparent. Seungmin blinks twice as the vibrations settle in his head. Baritone, or maybe bass; he can’t decide. It’s the sound of driftwood washing up upon a distant shore. Seungmin wants to analyse it further, pinpoint its inflexions and definitions, make music out of its reverberations, but his internal analysis is cut short by the silence once again reclaiming its place in the suspended domain of the train carriage.

“It’s just that when I fell asleep I was the only one in the carriage… maybe the whole train. So waking up to suddenly find someone sitting beside me, well… I thought this might be a dream.”

The boy laughs, a bark of sudden excitement that is in direct contrast with the solemn atmosphere settled upon them. “A dream? Why does that feel like a pick-up line?”

“It’s not,” Seungmin assures him, face heating up at such a suggestion.

“No, it’s not.” The boy agrees. “You’re not dreaming though, I promise. Do you want me to prove it?”

Seungmin tips his head to one side. “How?”

“Like this.”

That is when the stranger leans across and pinches Seungmin’s arm. It’s a soft pull at his skin, as much skin as can be grabbed through the protective armour of his spring jacket, but Seungmin flinches backwards anyways, clutching the affected site as he stares at the boy in utter bewilderment. “Ow!”

The boy chuckles. “There’s no way that hurt!”

“I mean, no, it didn’t, but why would you pinch me?” Seungmin is working overtime to decipher the meaning behind the boy’s actions, unsure whether the sudden attack was retaliation for Seungmin’s previous offence, or whether it meant something else that he didn’t quite yet understand.

“You know they say ‘pinch me, I’m dreaming’? I’m just proving to you that this is real.” The boy says matter-of-factly, smiling harmlessly at Seungmin still backed into the corner of his seat. “Did it work?”

“I guess?” Seungmin replies, unsure how to react. He can’t deny that the slight tingling sensation radiating across his arm is real, but he thinks that this stranger could have proven his point in a much gentler way.

“I’m glad.” The boy extends a hand towards Seungmin. “I’m Felix.”

The introduction is sudden and unexpected, but Seungmin accepts it and the two join in a firm, yet quick handshake. “Seungmin.”

Following the excitement of their quick exchange, the two of them relapse into silence, separating into their quiet thoughts, the pattering of rain and the steady hum of the train a melodic accompaniment running in the background. Seungmin looks out at the night sky now crammed with heavy clouds like sheep’s wool before shearing season, wiry and explosive, and he wonders how close they are to Seoul for the heavens to open in such a way. When he had departed his hometown, however many days ago that might have been, it had been warm. Not quite hot yet, but balmy in the way that early spring can sometimes be, creeping up on one unexpectedly and causing a commotion as it strips the land of winter’s final vestige. The shift between seasons was a battle, fast and bloody; sudden. This was true, but nowhere saw such a drastic change in the seasons as Seoul once the hundred days of rain began.

Seungmin counts raindrops on the windowpane opposite him, squinting to see them against the night sky, but he gives up when he realises how impossible an endeavour it is. So he sits back, resigns himself, and settles as he waits for the sky to brighten in herald of the sun’s eventual approach. He sits with arms crossed over his chest and hopes that the boy will not strike up a conversation with him again, unable to overcome the bewilderment at his far too familiar introduction. As this thought skitters back into its recesses, Felix turns his head in Seungmin’s direction. The timing is uncanny, and Seungmin wonders if maybe the boy can read people’s minds.

“You’re headed for Seoul, right?” Felix asks, tone lethargic as he speaks almost at a whisper. It’s late, after all, and voices carry further than one’s consciousness in the quiet of the night, spilling memories best kept secret for anyone to pluck from the air and make their own. 

“Yeah.” Seungmin replies. He keeps it short, hoping that his disengagement will signal to the boy that he doesn’t want to talk. Felix’s over-familiarity is disconcerting. It reminds him too much of people back home, where everyone knew everyone and secrets didn’t exist. He hated the idea of opening himself up like that, allowing strangers to just take what they pleased. It was one of the reasons he’d left.

Felix is oblivious, however, whether it be purposefully or out of genuine ignorance, Seungmin is not sure, and presses on in his overly friendly manner. “Are you going for school?”

Seungmin blinks. The question is innocent enough, but the precision and speed with which this stranger hit to the heart of his reason for existing in that moment were, again, uncanny. Looking down the length of his body, Seungmin searches for clues that would tip off this assumption, but there’s nothing obvious in sight.

“I am… how did you guess?” Seungmin’s tone is cautious as he looks at Felix, his back now pressed as far back into his seat as possible.

There’s a moment after the question in which Seungmin can see the cogs turning in Felix’s mind as he scrambles to find an answer. His expression is stiff, a clockwork mannequin, but it returns to normal just as quickly, and then Felix is smiling again.

“It’s a secret.” He replies coyly, then backtracks as Seungmin glares at him. “Ok, sorry, just a joke. Well, it’s February, right? So the spring semester must be starting soon, and you look about the age for someone who would be in university.”

It’s a sound explanation. Seungmin knows this, and on surface-level can’t find any problems with the answer. There’s something about the way Felix delivers the words, however, that doesn’t feel quite right. They carry the same way someone would deliver an important speech; all of the rises and falls in intonation uniform against judgements delivered years before. It’s believable; it really is, Seungmin tells himself… so why does he feel that Felix is lying?

“That makes sense.” Seungmin allows, letting his reservations go as he realizes he doesn’t know this boy well enough to make a call like that. “Yeah, I’m moving in before the entrance ceremony so I have time to get settled in properly. What about you?”

In a conversation rolling through push-and-pull reversals, Seungmin refuses to be the only one left vulnerable. Out of curiosity, and out of spite, Seungmin presses into Felix with the same casual intensity that he had questioned Seungmin.

“Me?” Felix’s eyes widen. “No, I’m not a student.”

He offers no further explanation; just sits there smiling a Cheshire cat’s smile. Somehow, despite Felix’s smile being undeniably pretty, Seungmin just feels irritation staring at his lips pulled back to bear his pearly whites.

“Oh, do you have a job then?”

“Hm, I’m not sure.” Felix replies.

Still a dead end. Seungmin frowns and ventures forth with another question.

“How old are you?” He asks.

“Old enough,” is the reply.

“Where are you from?”

“Around.”

Every question is met with resistance. Felix slips through the cracks of every one of Seungmin’s enquiries, delivering vague answers with simple confidence. It’s frustrating, to feel like he’s the only one giving himself to the conversation. Seungmin sighs. He’s tired. All he wants is to sleep, but he knows that he won’t be able to rest until he manages to pull some kind of information from the stranger who seems determined to keep himself a mystery.

He takes a mental step back and simply watches Felix for the moment. What does Seungmin know just from looking at him?

His name is Felix. A boy without a coat, without a bag, eyes encroached in violet circles; weightless except for the drowsy demeanour that tugs at his edges. The only visible possession that tethers Felix to the present is a sleek umbrella propped up against the seat to his left. It’s the first Seungmin has been aware of it, and he stares at this ordinary umbrella in the hands of someone who, from the impression he had gathered up until that moment, he could only describe as strange. It’s sobering, though, this realisation, and it gives Seungmin a locus to further his understanding. 

Felix is what he would call a singularity without responsibility, a strange boy on a dark train, isolated in the eyes of Seungmin’s story. He has no past and no future and only lives in the present as long as Seungmin is there. In the way Felix carries himself with quiet familiarity, heavy shoulders giving way to his stooped posture, the way the light doesn’t quite reflect in his cat-like eyes - if Seungmin were to look away for even a moment, he’s sure that the boy would simply disappear.

The mystery grows, but it’s still a size Seungmin can fit in the palm of his hand, and so he holds it. He keeps it close to his chest as he lets what he can see sink in. What should he do with this information? He doesn’t know, so he looks out the window. It’s still dark, but if Seungmin squints he can see dawn beginning its assault along the horizon, gathering candles with wicks lifted toward the moon, small flames burning gentle in their attempt to summon the giant of the solar system. When dawn comes, everything will change. Seungmin wills it forwards, desperate for the limbo of his long train journey to end. His prayers are interrupted, however, as Felix waves his hand in front of Seungmin’s face, drawing his attention back to their conversation, where it had been suspended in motion.

“Have you been to Seoul before?” Felix asks, cutting the dawn off from its effort to claim the night.

Seungmin shakes his head. “This’ll be my first time.”

“Really?” Felix’s brow furrows. “If you’re starting university, wouldn’t the application process mean some kind of interview?”

“Yeah, but Seoul was too far for me to get to for just an interview, so they let me do it over the phone,” Seungmin explains. He doesn’t mention how he had walked for an hour through the lampless evening to an often forgotten phone box on the side of a dirt track beside an abandoned farm just to undertake the interview. The receptionist had been bewildered by a student making contact to initiate an interview. No, that part is best kept private.

“You must have lived pretty far out, then.” Felix remarks, resting his chin in his hands.

“What about you? Have you ever been?”

Felix grins although the question is in no way amusing. “Yeah. I’m pretty familiar with Seoul, you could say.”

What does that even mean? Seungmin is beyond frustrated but he won’t allow himself to give up. Not yet. If dawn is still only stirring, then he’ll while away the time left with a game. He has one goal: to find out just one thing about Felix other than his name.

“Ok, then. Do you have any advice for someone new to the city?”

“Advice?” Felix frowns, face crumpling in thought. “No, not really.”

“I thought you said you knew Seoul pretty well.” Seungmin smirks.

“I do!” Felix holds up a finger to Seungmin, turning away to bore a hole in the floor of the carriage with his intense stare. “Give me a second.”

Seungmin watches Felix as he sits there deep in thought, eyes transfixed on the floor. Seungmin waits, alternating his focus between Felix and the slowly brightening sky on the other side of the train window until Felix looks up with a smirk to rival Seungmin’s own. He grabs the umbrella resting at his side and brandishes it in the way one would raise a glass at a banquet.

“Always carry an umbrella with you,” Felix says, looking Seungmin dead in the eye, cheeks shaking as he tries to hold back small bursts of laughter. 

“Oh my god.” Seungmin covers his mouth to hide his disbelief.

“You can’t deny that it’s solid advice, though.”

“I guess.” Seungmin sighs, ready to abandon his game. It becomes increasingly obvious to him that Felix won’t, or can’t, give him a straight answer. There’s no point in trying if the game is rigged from the start. “I was hoping for something useful. Sorry, I asked.”

“Ah… no, wait.” Felix paws the air blindly before settling his hand on Seungmin’s arm, softly this time, fingers curling into the thin material of Seungmin’s jacket. This time Seungmin doesn’t flinch, he holds Felix’s gaze, searching for meaning in those eyes that catch the night and hold it steady in their grasp. “I’m sorry, please don’t be mad.”

Seungmin’s eyes flicker from Felix’s face to his grip on Seungmin’s arm. He’s not quite aware of how hard his expression is set until Felix baulks, hands springing away as though his palms have been burned. Apologies spill from his lips and, in a lower register meant only for himself, Seungmin is sure that Felix utters something like, “This isn’t how it was supposed to go.” Felix backs off, withdrawing into the corner of his seat, as far from Seungmin as he can get. The spark that had fuelled his playful demeanour until that moment extinguished. The lanterns overhead flicker back into life, and in the light provided by their glow Seungmin sees how Felix’s cheeks suddenly sag under an unidentifiable weight.

“I’m sorry,” Felix repeats. “Is it ok if I try again? I’ll give you proper advice this time, I promise.”

Seungmin feels his frustration melt a little in the face of such a pitiful expression. He doesn’t want to be the reason anyone could look so sad. He repents and nods.

Felix smiles, short but brilliant, and mulls over his thoughts. As Seungmin waits for him to speak again, he watches the candles on the horizon burning brighter and brighter, filling the wet sky with the bright reach of sunrise. The glow has reached to the trunks of distant trees when Felix clears his throat, summoning Seungmin back to the present.

“Living in a big city is… tough.” Felix begins, eyes looking beyond the train, beyond the sky, out to another present that only he can see. “Moving anywhere new is hard, but the city is a real challenge. It’s big and loud, and there are too many people everywhere you go. It’s scary.”

Felix pauses. His head tilts to one side, searching the faraway present for a hint on how to continue. Seungmin waits patiently. There’s a silence around them like that of an abandoned room forgotten to the ravages of time. It’s tense, prone to crumbling at a thoughtless provocation, so Seungmin keeps his mouth shut until Felix is ready.

“I’ve lived in Seoul on and off for the past few years,” Felix continues. “And I say I’m used to it, but every time I leave and go back, I’m overwhelmed by how scared I am. That’s kind of pathetic, huh?”

“Not at all. Everyone has something that they’re scared of. It’s only natural.” Seungmin isn’t sure why, but his earlier frustration has been replaced almost completely with a different, more transient feeling without a name. His chest has been filled with a downpour to rival that of the hundred days of rain. It’s cold, uncomfortable, but he doesn’t hate it.

“That’s true… hm, how do I put this? I’m always scared, I think, and I used to believe I was that only one who felt like this, but it’s just like you said, everyone has something to be afraid of. It’s ok to be scared, I realised, as long as you don’t let that fear stop you from living.”

Seungmin nods, a placeholder action in the lull of Felix’s speech.

“I went on far too long, but what I wanted to say is… things will be hard, they’ll be scary, and I’m sure there’ll be times you want to give up but, even when it seems impossible, there will always be a day after. There’s always a tomorrow.”

It’s almost sunrise now, and through the clouds comes light that mixes with the rain and surrounds the train in a delicate glow that Seungmin has only seen once before in his life; long, long ago, in that isolated reminiscence, he watches himself sink below the overlapping waves of a furious storm, pulled deeper into the ocean’s depths by the to-and-fro of the ferocious current. A few moments pass before Seungmin realises that Felix has finished speaking. He lets the words wash over him, pulling them apart as he savours the meaning of each consonant and each vowel. Usually, Seungmin would laugh at something as hokey as this. The conclusion feels like it’s been lifted straight from the pages of a forgotten celebrity’s self-help book. He would normally laugh… but at that moment, he can only appreciate the sincerity of this stranger’s words. He’s trying to offer genuine advice, and who is Seungmin to tear that down?

“I’m sorry,” Felix begins to apologise again. “That’s pretty cheesy, now that I think about it.”

“No, it’s fine.” Seungmin catches Felix’s doubtful expression and smiles. “Ok, maybe it is a little cheesy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not helpful. Honestly, it’s just nice to know I’m not alone in all this.”

All of a sudden, Seungmin wants to continue the conversation further, ask Felix more about himself and maybe get an answer; what he’s doing, where he’ll go. Now he’s seen through the guard to a small glimpse of the real Felix, he’s greedy for more. Seungmin opens his mouth to speak, and as he does, they pass by another station. Piercing light, sterile in colour, rushes the carriage. They’re blinded, its sudden arrival forcing Seungmin’s eyes shut against such a painful intermission. Once it has passed safely, he opens his eyes once more to find Felix standing beside him, looking out the window.

Felix’s face is frozen, his eyes wide as he stares at the sunrise now creeping over the horizon; the candles having reached their burning climax, it seems. He twitches, still, then whips into a sudden frenzy of motion. He twists his head about as though trying to remember where he is. Finally, after what must be years of searching, his eyes conclude on Seungmin, and a new emotion ripples across his face. Hesitation, at first, visibly taught in his slightly parted lips, which melts quickly into decision as his features settle.

“I have to go,” Felix says.

Seungmin is about to speak, protest, or question why, but in a few quick strides Felix is at the door connecting one carriage to the next. He pulls it open, momentum pulling it too far back, and smashing metal against metal as the carriage frame shakes. Felix is about to disappear through the passage when he turns back to Seungmin, parting words almost lost amongst the cacophony of the rattling train dancing amongst the deafening storm outside, but Seungmin follows the shape of Felix’s lips and he hears it; it’s casual, a friend’s parting without promise and Seungmin doesn’t quite understand what it means, but he hears it.

“See you around,” Felix says. And the door closes behind him in deafening finality.

Seungmin stands up too late, as though to retrospectively give chase to the strange boy in the dark. The sun rises, it’s a new day, and now he can’t cross that threshold. Felix is gone; a part of a world separate from Seungmin’s once again, the oblique mark of the train door serving as the ellipsis to draw their scene to a close. He realises that Felix wouldn’t want him to follow, regardless, and returns to his seat in quiet resignation.

Now alone, he can process the morning’s events. He’s unsure what to make of it. The dodged questions, the light touches, the strange familiarity that had left him so perturbed. It’s a mystery borne of liminal spaces, Seungmin decides, but such a label does little to bring him peace of mind. He’s about to settle down, allow himself to lapse back into sleep when he notices an umbrella; Felix’s umbrella. It’s fallen on its side, resting in the gap between the seats and the floor, forgotten. Felix’s initial advice echoes in his mind, ‘Always carry an umbrella with you.’ He can’t let him betray his own advice. Seungmin reaches down, picks up the umbrella and with little thought behind the decision, rushes through the door that had swallowed Felix whole. The next carriage is empty, and the one after that. It’s only once Seungmin has run the whole length of the train that it dawns on him that Felix is no longer there; he’s vanished. Unable to get a grip on the typhoon battering his ribcage, Seungmin tries to unravel the logic of the situation, determined that pure intellect will help him to weather the storm. He tries all manner of solutions but comes up empty. In utter defeat, Seungmin drags his eyes to the window, staring at the sun that has now claimed the day for herself. There’s a lump in his throat, making it difficult to breathe, difficult to speak; but he must speak regardless. So, to no-one in particular, he whispers: “How do I return it now?”


	2. Days 1 - 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin settles into Seoul, but despite everything he has to attend to after he arrives, he can't stop thinking about the strange boy on the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: 
> 
> The Best Today - Keaton Henson

Seoul was everything that Seungmin had expected; busy, loud, and wet. 

He took the subway to the station closest to his new apartment, marvelling at how many people were stuffed inside the carriage despite the early hour. He tucked his small suitcase between his legs and stood swaying with the crowd, feeling at one with the steel beast that tore beneath the city, connecting everyone and everything with its speed and prowess. When Seungmin’s stop was approaching he listened in wonder as its name was announced in four different languages - each with their own spin on its pronunciation. He gave himself to the rush of suits that charged towards the ticket hall, all with cards and tickets in hand acting as keys to the outside world. Seungmin fumbled for his ticket at the barrier, dropped it, and was showered with raucous projections of irritation as he bent to retrieve the orange stub. Once on the other side of the ticket barriers, Seungmin carried himself off to one side, huddling tight against a tall, sturdy pillar, and allowed himself room to breathe.

The difference from his hometown, even at such a young point in his journey, was stark. The station closest to his house was still an entire bus ride away, and the trains ran on such an irregular schedule that it couldn’t be relied on by the community to service them at all. Most of his neighbours had never stepped foot inside the dusty station once in their entire lives. Seungmin had ridden the train many times with his grandmother who believed it to be much kinder intruder upon nature’s bounty than the boxy silver cares that tore along the country roads. He had never seen the rickety carriages of the local line come close to full capacity, not even on public holidays when only the most regular of workers would still be required to show their face in the office. To go from a town reliant on roads to a city reliant on underground tunnels was, in its own way, frightening.

The difference in the weather, too, was unnerving. There was something about the rain in Seoul, aside from its 100-day reign, that was unlike the way it rained anywhere else in the world. The precipitation, the pressure, the intensity with which the raindrops beat against Seungmin’s umbrella were all astoundingly regular. There was a rhythm between it all so synchronised that Seungmin could only suspect it was orchestrated to be that way. He thought about this as he hurried through the streets to his accommodation, relying on his memory to guide his way. Quickly, he found himself lost. The housing area hidden behind the sky rises and concrete giants had none of the measured placements of the main road closer to the station. Here, away from the sun, it was a fight for survival. Paths started and ended suddenly, apartments seemed to bloom from the ground in haphazard, illogical patterns, and neither the streets nor the buildings were labelled properly. By the time Seungmin reached his new apartment, despite having not one but two umbrellas on his person, he was soaked to the bone.

So far Seoul was what he had expected, and he wasn’t sure that he liked it. He was cold, wet, and tired beyond belief; all he wanted was to introduce himself to his roommates and sleep. Seungmin had applied for accommodation through Royal Park’s student portal, which worked on a lottery system. He had no say over his placement, or who he would end up living with. He steeled himself as he knocked on the baby blue apartment door, and tried desperately to make himself presentable as rainwater dripped down his cheeks.

Second-year Music Production student Seo Changbin answered the door. He reminded Seungmin of a chihuahua; small, but radiating an unnecessarily aggressive energy as he showed Seungmin through to the living room. He stared at Seungmin like he was trying to pick a fight, peering up at him from behind bangs in desperate need of a trim. He gestured for Seungmin to take a seat on a bedraggled couch facing the front door and then left without a word. Unsure of what to do, Seungmin sat down, still in his sopping wet clothes. When Changbin returned he was holding an ornate purple box cut with gold trimming, beautiful and somehow at odds with the person clutching it. He set it down on the small coffee table in front of the couch, then looked at Seungmin expectedly.

“What?” Seungmin asked, drawing back instinctively.

Changbin sighed heavily and then, with a shake of his head, opened the box to reveal a hefty deck of cards tied together in yellow, mesh ribbon. He untied it, placing it to one side he then began to shuffle the cards with the utmost care in his movements. Seungmin watched silently, still not knowing exactly what was going on. Changbin stopped shuffling and paced the deck in front of Seungmin. They stared at each other. Outside, a crow started up a raucous song. No-one breathed.

“So are you gonna pick one?” Changbin spoke, finally, with a voice that was both nasally and gravelly at the same time.

“Pick what?”

“A card. I can’t do a reading until you pull one,” Changbin explained rolling his eyes as though this were obvious. He raised his eyebrows. “Go on.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes in return but reached out to draw from the deck regardless. His hand was hovering above the top card when Changbin shouted, making Seungmin jump.

“What now?” Seungmin shouted back.

“I forgot an important step,” Changbin said. His expression was steeped in concentration as he stared at the deck. “You need to approach with a question in mind.”

“Come again?”

“Like, think of something you want to ask. It can’t be a yes or no question though, those are no good.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Seungmin glared at Changbin. His roommate must have been messing with him. Seungmin was tired. He was soaking wet. He hadn’t even been offered a towel, and yet here Changbin was, a complete stranger, barking orders at him. He’d had enough. No longer willing to play along, Seungmin stood to go look for his bedroom, but Changbin threw his hands out to stop him.

“Wait! Just pull one card, that’s all I ask!” Changbin put his hands together in mock prayer, bowing his head to Seungmin like he was some kind of deity. Seungmin sighed and, taking pity on his roommate, settled back down to let him have his way. 

First, he needed a question, Changbin had said, but Seungmin didn’t have anything particular that he wanted to ask. Seungmin bit his lip thoughtfully. He didn’t want to prolong the strange encounter either, so as he drew the card on top of the deck, he asked what his life in Seoul would be like.

Seungmin turned the card over to look at the image on the other side. He had to turn his head to get a better look at it; the image depicted an eight-spoked wheel, decorated in letters of a language that he couldn’t read. Draped atop the wheel’s apex was a sphinx, or maybe it was a human, or maybe a hybrid of the two, he couldn’t be sure. In each corner of the card was a different winged creature, each of them looking towards the wheel in the centre. It was a mysterious card, boxed in a gold banner the same colour as the box’s decadent trimming, and most curiously, it was upside down.

Seungmin frowned as he read the English text printed below the picture. “The Wheel of Fortune?”

Changbin scurried over to Seungmin’s side and peered at the card. He let out a little gasp as he noted the card’s flipped image. “It’s reversed! Urgh, what do reversals mean again? Give me a sec.”

He disappeared along the hallway with surprising speed. Seungmin winced as crashes and bumps resonated from another room. When his cryptic roommate returned his shirt was ruffled and he was holding a small paperback book.

Returning to his seat across from Seungmin, Changbin began flicking through the book, muttering to himself as he scanned each page. His muttering increased in volume and became a lecture as he began to speak to Seungmin directly.

“So, I think it can mean changes, or like, success? Wait, that’s the upright interpretation,” Changbin looked away, face scrunched up in confusion. “If it’s reversed, it’s negative, right? Is it bad luck then?”

By now, Seungmin was regretting his decision to play along. He cursed himself for sympathising with his bumbling roommate. Seungmin put the card down on the coffee table in the same position he had drawn it, then leaned back to wait for Changbin to return to the conversation.

Just then the front door clicked open, and Seungmin watched a tall boy with dark hair enter the apartment. Their eyes met and the stranger waved; a gesture that Seungmin returned, although with far less enthusiasm. The boy dropped his messenger bag on the floor, then began to tiptoe towards Changbin, who was sitting with his back to the door, completely immersed in his book. Seungmin said nothing as the boy leaned over to whisper in Changbin’s ear, “What’re you up to?”

Changbin shouted in surprise, the book flying through the air as his hands released it from their grip. The boy started laughing as he draped himself around Changbin’s shoulders, and Seungmin found himself smiling, too, just a little.

“Ya! Hwang Hyunjin!” Changbin smacked at the boy’s arms but his aggressor held on tight, cackling.

Hwang Hyunjin, Seungmin’s other new roommate, was not actually a student at Royal Park. He was a dance student from its closely linked sister school, Yellow Wood College of the Performing Arts. If Seungmin were to summarise Hyunjin in one word, or two, he would say that he was offensively beautiful. Even during their first meeting with his mussed up hair, dripping from the downpour outside, it managed to look like it had been styled that way; showered and set to shine under studio lights, the product of a stylist’s careful eye, and not the outcome of nature’s meddling hand. He was beautiful, Seungmin thought, in that objective way that only a select few could be. Hyunjin was also keen to mess around with his roommate, something that had Seungmin thinking that they would get along quite well.

“God, he didn’t force you to do a reading did he?” Hyunjin asked Seungmin, staring at the card on the table. “The one thing I asked him not to do! What kind of first impression is this?”

Hyunjin shook Changbin’s shoulders, his head swinging back and forth. “I just wanted to see what was in store for him here!”

“Well, what did you find out?” Hyunjin stopped his shaking, waiting for a response.

A moment passed. Seungmin suppressed the need to cough. Something fell to the floor in another room. Changbin shivered.

“I’m… still working that out,” He admitted.

Hyunjin erupted in a mighty huff of disbelief. He let go of Changbin, now cowering in his seat, and went to retrieve the discarded book. He began looking through its pages, seemingly knowing what he was looking for.

“You made him do a daily pull, right?” Hyunjin asked. Changbin nodded.”Then you’re not even supposed to be interpreting it! He’s got to figure the meaning out for himself.”

“I-I know that!” Changbin fired up, finding his fighting spirit to push back against Hyunjin’s criticism. “Who’s the one with the tarot deck here? Me, exactly. I just wanted to practice.”

“Then practice on yourself,” Hyunjin passed the paperback to Seungmin. “Have a look later, see if anything jumps out to you.”

“I will do…” Seungmin said as he took the book, unsure if he would actually do so.

Seungmin’s first day was mostly spent getting used to his new roommates and the apartment. It wasn’t particularly big for a three-bedroom property, and the largest area was the open plan living room and kitchen. There was a small dining table piled high with miscellaneous junk in the corner; pots stacked within pans and crumpled receipts rolled on top in a display that had Seungmin locked in despair. This trend of haphazard harmony extended to the kitchen. Seungmin investigated all of the cupboards and the refrigerator, only to find their contents in a disorganised mess. He grimaced at the inside of the fridge; it was mostly empty, and what little food was left on its shelves now looked far from edible. Seungmin shut the door decisively and tried to banish what he had seen from his memory.

His bedroom was opposite Changbin’s, a slim box of a room with just enough space for a single bed, desk, and a sliding wardrobe. For the first time since he’d left home, Seungmin was secure in his decision to pack light. It was a quick job to empty the contents of his suitcase into his new box, and once everything was in its place he had the time, finally, to rest. He stared at the umbrella propped against his desk, the one that had belonged to the strange boy on the train, and he wondered if he’d ever have the chance to return it. Soon one thought drifted to another, and Seungmin began down a spiralling path of worry and uncertainty. Just before he could reach its end, his stomach growled, interrupting his train of thought. It was only then that he realised he hadn’t eaten a single thing all day. The image of the odious fridge filled him with dread, but Seungmin shuffled out into the hallway to see if he couldn’t recover something from its depths.

Before he reached the kitchen Seungmin was waylaid by the sight of his two roommates crowding around the small dining table, murmuring to each other quietly. In the gaps between their bodies, he could see the outline of several white plastic bags huddled together on its surface. He crept up behind them to get a better look.

“What’s that?” Seungmin asked, his sudden appearance causing both Hyunjin and Changbin to scream out in shock. They rounded on him, eyes wide, as Seungmin looked back with an innocent smile.

“Ah, man… it was supposed to be a surprise,” Changbin grumbled, stepping aside to let Seungmin see what he had been guarding.

Seungmin pried the bag handles apart and peered at the contents inside. “You ordered _jajangmyeon_?” 

Hyunjin rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “We wanted to have, like, a welcome party for you. We figured you probably hadn’t eaten yet, so…”

Seungmin stared at the takeout containers in front of him. He didn’t know how to react, so he just stared and hoped the sudden flush creeping across his cheeks wasn’t all that noticeable. A welcome party… for him? Whilst a welcome party in and of itself wasn’t out of the ordinary, the impression he had gathered of his roommates thus far suggested such a thing was beyond their general awareness. To say he was touched, or happy; such words felt awkward on his tongue, so Seungmin expressed himself in the only way he could think that wouldn’t leave him emotionally vulnerable in front of two strangers: “Let’s get eat!”

Changbin chuckled in response, whilst Hyunjin stood there looking perplexed. As strange a response as it seemed, Seungmin’s joke broke up the stiff atmosphere, and the welcome party was able to begin in earnest. As (assumedly) broke students, the boys hadn’t been too extravagant in their spending. In addition to the cut onion and yellow pickles that were expected alongside the _jajangmyeon_ they had ordered fried dumplings and sweet and sour pork to share between them as well. Changbin served Seungmin a plate full of food that he was sure he wouldn’t be able to finish, and they sat around to finish their first meal together.

Their earlier introduction had left behind mixed impressions, so now with time to talk more at length, Seungmin was able to get to know his roommates a little more in-depth. He learned that Changbin was from a well-off family, that he had an older sister, and that he’d been dabbling in music production since he was in high school. He was even a part of a rap group named after some kind of hot sauce that Seungmin couldn’t remember. Hyunjin had been a competitive swimmer and even won a full scholarship to a prestigious college on the condition that he continue to swim for their varsity team, but he turned it down so that he could pursue dance instead. Seungmin sat and listened and decided that maybe his roommates weren’t so bad after all. They talked for hours, but in that time Seungmin didn’t offer much of himself to the conversation. He just listened.

Once full they packed away the leftovers, Seungmin demonstrating the best way to keep them for a later date. It was early evening by now, and weariness had begun to settle upon Seungmin, covering the warm scene in an obstinate haze. With a yawn he excused himself, finding comfort in the embrace of his new bed. His eyelids were heavy enough so as to fall asleep almost immediately, but as he was about to release himself to the lethargy tugging at his arm, his eye caught the tarot book he had left on his desk. Moving without will, Seungmin grabbed the book and began to flip through its pages. The image of the great wheel with the terrible hybrid lying along its curve, reversed so that it presented itself as a mirror, weighed heavy on his thoughts. Images of kings and servants slipped by as the ink on the pages began to blur. What exactly was he looking for?

He found it.

The Wheel of Fortune.

Seungmin caught the page with his thumb and forefinger, turning back so he could investigate it in earnest. There it was; the wheel, albeit in a different illustrated form to Changbin’s card, but still recognisable. He cast his mind back to what Hyunjin had said about ‘figuring it out for himself’, but no matter which way he stared at the illustration, he felt nothing. He tried to connect the highlighted keywords with his experiences; concepts like luck and change and broken cycles, but it just didn’t resonate with him. None of it did.

He tossed the book to one side, angry with himself for having given the book a chance. As he had expected; it was complete and utter nonsense.

*

The following days saw Seungmin swept up in the great business of settling into his new home. He had one day to do so and shop for supplies, then he was expected at his college for the first time in order to attend the opening ceremony. It started at midday, but Seungmin was awake and staring at his ceiling from 5 am onwards, worrying and worrying about all of the decisions he had made in his life up until that point. He had been so confident in his choice to leave home, still was, but the possible implications of it could not stop swirling in his brain. Implications like having no home to return to, and the fact that he had made himself completely financially independent at 19 years old; it was terrifying to think about.

Changbin travelled to college with Seungmin to show him the way, something that he was quietly grateful for, and chatted to Seungmin the entire journey there. Despite trying his best to pay attention, all of Changbin’s words were lost on Seungmin; he didn’t hear a word of it. When they parted ways outside the college gates, Seungmin resolved that he would apologise to Changbin once he got home. 

Now alone, he looked up at the main building of the Royal Park School of Music, the one had seen on their website, the one he had dreamed about for years. He swallowed and, once he had collected himself, started towards the auditorium where the entrance ceremony was taking place.

The intake for that year’s freshman class was around 1,500 students across all disciplines, and almost every seat in the auditorium was filled with a fresh face ready to begin a new journey of education. Every seat, that was, except for the one beside Seungmin. It was notably empty and remained that way throughout the entire ceremony. His thoughts wandered back to the missing student during lulls in the procession. Where could they be? What were they doing? All sorts of questions ran through Seungmin’s mind. The ceremony itself was nothing special. Several different members of staff gave long, dry addresses to the students; an orchestra composed of recently graduated third years performed a piece they had composed themselves for the pleasure of those present; a glimpse into their futures, perhaps. It was altogether pleasant, but Seungmin spent the entire time preoccupied with his own thoughts instead of focusing on what was supposed to be a momentous occasion in his life.

With the ceremony finished, Seungmin had no other reason to stay in the auditorium. He rushed towards the entrance, umbrella in hand, keen to beat the swarm of students soon to follow. He didn’t know when it had begun, but his heart was beating like a snare drum. Was he nervous? Was he excited? He wasn’t sure, but he was grateful to his roommates who were waiting for him beneath a crowded bus shelter. Hyunjin and Changbin each took him by a free arm and whisked him away to a small, smoky barbecue place a few blocks away. It was late in the afternoon and they were ravenous, ordering meat endlessly and drinking beer under the watchful eye of the chief of staff, who simply raised a knowing finger to his lips as he took their orders. Hyunjin cheered, Changbin worriedly checked his wallet, and Seungmin’s head swam as a cold bottle was placed in his hand and subsequently vanquished. He’d never drunk alcohol before, never even wanted to, but that it somehow felt appropriate. The bitterness of the beer, underscored by the burnt taste of overcooked beef swirled into a raucous memory of celebration that would haunt him the morning after. What would his mother think of him, Seungmin wondered, as himself, Hyunjin and Changbin took to the streets of Seoul, shouting a crazed version of ‘Fur Elise’ as they made their way home. Seungmin collapsed into bed, clutching the umbrella he had been carrying around all day, the umbrella that didn’t belong to him, and then promptly fell asleep.

The day after the entrance ceremony was orientation, and Seungmin woke up to find he was 1) very hungover, and 2) very late. He leapt out of bed, his head swimming, as he tried to make sense of his room that felt alien to him in the morning sun. Shielding his eyes from the blinding light he hurriedly threw clothes on that he hoped matched, threw his keys in a bag, and ran out the front door. In his somewhat still inebriated state, it was a challenge to find his way to the station and he got lost in a parody of his first day in the city. The train was a challenge as the constant movement made him feel like he was about to throw up, and when he finally arrived at college he was frustrated, nauseous, and blaming the outcome of the day entirely on the beer he’d had the night before.

Seungmin was never late. Never. Even on snow days back home where a light flurry would stop the underdeveloped transport system in its tracks, he would leave the house at dawn to walk to school instead of taking the bus, all so that he wouldn’t be late. So to be thirty minutes late to orientation for his dream course at his dream school… Seungmin was furious with himself.

He arrived at the classroom marked out for him in his orientation pack breathless and surprised to find someone else already lingering outside the classroom door. It was a boy of his age, maybe younger, with bangs long enough that they reached to the top of his eyes. He was craning his neck to look through the small porthole in the door to the classroom beyond, clutching the straps of his backpack like it was a life preserver, and they were both lost at sea. 

“Are you here for orientation?” Seungmin asked.

The boy startled, his shoulders twitching at the sudden address echoing through the empty hallway. He turned to look at Seungmin with a thin smile.

“Yeah. I’m really late, though,” He said, voice thick with guilt. He looked down at the floor, his sharp eyes temporarily dampened.

“Me too,” Seungmin gestured towards the classroom door. “Do you want to head in?”

The boy gave a troubled laugh. “Yeah, I should… do that, huh. No point in staying out here and making myself even later.”

Despite saying this, he didn’t move. He just stood there with a resigned smile on his face.

“I’ll head in first, then. You can follow behind me if you like,” Seungmin said, before reaching out and rapping on the door. “We’ll be late together.”

The boy looked like he was about to cry at Seungmin’s offer and followed him closely into the classroom. They were met immediately with the burning glare of both the professor and dozens of pairs of eyes, as everyone in the room turned to look at them. They apologised profusely as the professor used them as an example to issue a stern warning against continued tardiness. When he had finished, he let the two of them take a seat in the front row but continued to shoot them disapproving looks through the remainder of the session.

Seungmin kept his head down, did what was asked of him and kept quiet, not wanting to incur the wrath of their professor again, and also because his head was pounding even in the relatively quiet classroom. He had to use every fibre of his willpower to not just put his head down and go to sleep. At one point he must have nodded off because a sharp elbow dug into his side, forcing his eyes open. He looked about confusedly, then settled his eyes on the boy beside him who just raised his eyebrows in reply and nodded towards the front of the room. Seungmin smiled gratefully.

The boy’s name, he found out, was Yang Jeongin. He’d moved up from Busan only the day before and had been so tired from his journey that when he eventually got into bed, he slept for a full 13 hours. He liked singing and could play the trumpet, and he hoped that he could become part of an orchestra one day. Even though he had been late on his first day, Seungmin got the impression that Jeongin was a diligent person, and thought that maybe they could be friends. It turned out that Jeongin felt the same. As Seungmin was packing up at the end of the session, Jeongin tapped him gently on the shoulder.

“Do you want to grab lunch together?” He said. “If you’re not busy, I mean.”

“Sure, I’d like that.”

They ate in the school canteen and talked about their dreams and about their individual journeys to Seoul. When Seungmin retold the tale of his fateful meeting on the train the night before, Jeongin shivered in fright. He insisted that Seungmin must have met a ghost and that maybe he should go to a shrine for a blessing, just in case. Seungmin couldn’t help but agree. Jeongin’s journey had been much less eventful, just long and tiring, as most journeys were. Seungmin sympathised, though. It was a big change for both of them to now be living alone in Seoul, and in situations like that, a little kindness would go a long way.

Seungmin stayed with Jeongin for a few hours, chatting and getting to know each other, comparing their class schedules and the like, before his new friend had to excuse himself. They walked back to the station together, where they exchanged numbers, promising to meet up again before the semester started in full. As Seungmin waved him goodbye he was filled with a new hope that things were beginning to fall into place for him.

*

“So where do you hang your laundry?” Seungmin asked, glaring at Changbin and Hyunjin sitting in front of him, shoulders hunched and heads bowed like school children outside the principal’s office.

“Just like, wherever, you know?” Hyunjin whispered.

“Sometimes we air them out on the back of the couch,” Changbin added.

Seungmin dragged a hand over his face. In the span of a few short days he had come to realise that despite his roommates being one year his senior, they were both practically useless when it came to all household chores. Seungmin liked to keep his living space neat, clean, and tidy at all times, whereas his roommates were content to live in organised chaos. There was an obvious conflict of interests there.

“Ok, grab your wallets,” Seungmin said. “We’re going shopping.”

Despite their initial protests, Hyunjin and Changbin led Seungmin to the closest shopping mall and followed him around as he grilled them on exactly what home necessities were missing from the apartment. Soon their shopping cart was filled to the brim and each of them was in a state of despair, albeit for different reasons; Seungmin because he couldn’t believe they didn’t own a dish rack, Hyunjin because his arms hurt from pushing the cart, and Changbin because it was going to be yet more money ripped from his monthly budget that could be spent elsewhere. They griped and groaned and argued all the way to the checkouts, but when they left the store with heavy bags and a new clotheshorse under Hyunjin’s arm, Seungmin felt a wave of relief wash over him.

They were dawdling outside the home store, trying to decide what to do for lunch, when Seungmin spotted a familiar face passing by.

“Jeongin!” Seungmin called out, waving his classmate over.

“Hey! When I said let’s meet up again before class starts, I didn’t think it would be this soon,” Jeongin said. He looked down at the bags in Seungmin’s hands, and at Changbin and Hyunjin ladened down in the background. “Wow, you’ve been doing some serious shopping, huh?”

Seungmin laughs without mirth. “Yeah, our place was… severely lacking in essentials, so we came to stock up.”

“My place is the same. My roommate and I are supposed to be shopping for stuff right now, but he seems to have run off somewhere…” Jeongin shook his head. “Actually, I’m glad I ran into you! I was gonna text, but I might as well ask now. Are you free on the 4th?” 

“That’s a Wednesday, right? I don’t think I’m busy…”

“Great! So, I was-”

“Jeongin, there you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

Just then a familiar voice cut through the conversation. A deep, bass-line voice. Seungmin looked up at the person jogging towards them, his mouth hanging open as he realised who it was.

“That’s my line! Where did you run off to?” Jeongin sighed, turning around to scold the boy with a beanie pulled tight over his hair that was brown like the depths of the forest.

“Felix?” Seungmin didn’t want to interrupt, but he couldn’t help it. He had begun to believe that their meeting on the train had been a dream, some kind of hallucination brought on by tiredness and stress, but, no, here he was again, a fully-fleshed human being.

Felix shifted his attention from Jeongin to Seungmin at the sound of his name, expression cycling through shock, confusion, even joy, all in the split-second that their eyes met. His expression settled on shock, but there was a smile that seemed to be tugging at the corners of his lips. “Seungmin? Is it really you?”

“Yeah! I can’t believe we’re meeting like this again. After you disappeared the other night, I’d kind of assumed you were a ghost or something,” Seungmin laughed. He wasn’t sure why, but he was really happy to see the strange boy again.

“The other night?” The smile that had been trying to take over Felix’s mouth faltered as his face pulled tight in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Seungmin frowned. What did he mean, “what are you talking about?” They stared at each other in silence, both parties working through their own apparent confusion. Felix obviously knew who Seungmin was but… was it possible he didn’t remember their meeting only days before? It didn’t make any sense. 

“Er, do you guys know each other?” Jeongin interrupted.

Seungmin raised his eyebrows at Felix. Did they?

“Kind of,” Felix replied, tearing his eyes away from Seungmin. “We’ve met before?”

His voice goes up at the end like it's a question, which leaves Seungmin all the more confused.

“Really?” Jeongin turns to Seungmin with his mouth open wide. “Felix is the roommate I was talking about! I can’t believe you know each other… what a small world.”

Felix chuckles in reply, glancing at Seungmin nervously, who was still trying to make sense of the situation. He thought back to the other night, to how Felix had disappeared leaving nothing but his umbrella behind, about how he had that umbrella in his apartment right at that moment as an undeniable piece of evidence that they had indeed met that week. They had… right? What was going on?

Jeongin brought Seungmin out of his reverie with a clap of his hands, the sound loud enough to make everyone in the general vicinity jump. “This is perfect. As I was gonna say before, I was thinking of having a kind of house-warming party next week, if you wanted to come. I was worried about inviting people from college, but if you and Felix already know each other…”

“Did someone say party?” Hyunjin said, approaching the conversation suddenly and throwing his weight around Seungmin’s shoulders. “I wanna go to a party.”

“You can come too if you like! The more the merrier,” Jeongin says, smiling.

Changbin ran over to join them, and Seungmin’s roommates proceeded to introduce themselves. Although he was physically standing in the midst of the conversation, the words were passing over Seungmin like waves on a shore; a muffled to-and-fro that could pull at him, but only just. He was listening, he really was, but the words were eaten by static as his attention honed in solely on Felix.

It was the Felix he had met on the train. The Felix with brown hair and the deep voice and the ears that were rounded at the tips just like a fairy’s. He was even wearing the same sweater he had been wearing that night. It was unmistakable, they knew each other, but the order in which they met had become muddled.

Felix, too, was lost in thought, He nodded along to everything Jeongin said, but his eyes were far away; he was far away. Even though he was standing there amongst them all, he was completely separate from everyone around him. Seungmin stared, trying to figure out how Felix could know him and at the same time not. It just didn’t add up.

Seungmin was so lost in his own ruminations that he didn’t notice the conversation winding down around him. He snapped back to the present as the static cleared and he could hear again. Plans were being confirmed, greetings exchanged, and Jeongin was waving goodbye. Seungmin followed along instinctively, waving, maybe even smiling too, but unable to say a word. He watches Jeongin walk away, Felix following close behind him. He’s going to disappear again, Seungmin realises.

Before Jeongin and Felix are too far away so as to become blurs in the others line of vision, Felix turned around and offered a wave for Seungmin only. He smiled almost apologetically, Seungmin thought, but then Jeongin called out to him and the two of them disappeared into the crowd. Gone.


	3. Day 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of Jeongin's house-warming arrives. Seungmin is determined to take this chance to confront Felix, but things don't quite work out the way he hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: 
> 
> Perfect Places - Lorde

It was Wednesday evening, a little after 6; the night of Jeongin’s house-warming party. 

“How about this?” Changbin said, holding up a purple hoodie to his chest.

“I don’t know, it’s a little bright isn’t it?” Hyunjin replied.

Changbin held the hoodie out to get a better look at it. He frowned as he processed Hyunjin’s comment, and then turned around and disappeared back into his room.

“He does remember the party starts at 7, right?” Seungmin asked, looking nervously at the time on his watch.

Hyunjin shrugged. “Probably, but he’s the kind of guy who takes forever to get ready, even when he’s in a hurry.”

“Ah, right,” Seungmin settled into his corner of the couch. His space was restricted as Hyunjin had spread his long legs out across the other two cushions, going so far as to rest his foot on Seungmin’s thighs. Seungmin was uncomfortable but he kept it to himself.  
Despite having only received the invitation a few days prior, Hyunjin and Changbin had been waiting excitedly for it. Since it was still before the official start of the new semester, neither of them had been to a party as of yet. Seungmin had a feeling that it wouldn’t be the kind of party they were anticipating, but listening to them talk about it so eagerly made Seungmin apprehensive to correct their expectations. 

Jeongin himself had told Seungmin it would be a casual affair; just a handful of people, some food, some drinks, some games… nothing over-the-top. The apartment he shared with Felix was quite small, so they couldn’t host a proper house party even if they wanted to. It was still difficult for Seungmin to wrap his head around the coincidence that the first two people he had met upon coming to Seoul (who weren’t his roommates) were living together. He’d had time to think about it but still, he was disconcerted that such a thing could happen.

Whilst Hyunjin and Changbin had been preoccupied with their excitement about the party, Seungmin had been using all of his mental faculties to dissect his fateful reunion with the strange boy on the train. The more he thought about the contradiction at the heart of it, the more confused he became. Felix had remembered him. He had acted like he’d known him, and yet the face he pulled when Seungmin mentioned that night… it didn’t make any sense.

Seungmin sighed heavily.

“Hey, you good?”

Seungmin looked up. Hyunjin was watching him with concern etched into his perfect features. He prodded Seungmin’s arm with his foot as though to demand an answer.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Seungmin replied, swatting Hyunjin’s foot away. “Just got a lot on my mind is all.” 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

Before Seungmin could respond, Changbin emerged from his room once more, in a completely different outfit.

“How about this?” He said, spreading his arms out and turning in a slow circle so that they could get a good look at his leather jacket and torn-up skinny jeans.

“Feels a little sombre for a house party,” Hyunjin said, looking back at Changbin over his shoulder.

Changbin groaned and disappeared once more.

“Like, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Hyunjin continued, picking up their conversation from where it had been interrupted. “But I just want you to feel like you can talk to us if you need to. We’re roommates after all!”

Seungmin smiled. “Thanks. I don’t know, it’s kind of confusing but… hypothetically speaking, what if you met someone and they knew who you were, but they didn’t remember how you met?”

Hyunjin frowned. “Isn’t that quite common though? Like, I see people all the time who I definitely know, but I couldn’t tell you where from.”

“What if the first time you’d met was only the other day?”

Hyunjin crossed his arms, lips pouted as he sunk into deep thought. Seungmin watched him closely, waiting for his reply. Over Hyunjin’s shoulder, he spied Changbin re-emerging from his room in a gaudy turtle neck and cargo pants, and before he could even speak, Seungmin raised his arms above him to form a giant X. Changbin trailed away dejectedly.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin had reached a conclusion.

“Ok, that is pretty confusing,” He admitted. “Is this about that guy from the other day?”

“There were two guys the other day.”

“Come on, you know which one I’m talking about. I can’t remember it but, the one with the English name?”

Of course Seungmin knew who he was talking about. “Felix.”

“Yeah, that guy. Listen, I may not seem the type but I notice these things,” Hyunjin nodded sagely. “There was a weird vibe between the two of you.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“To me it was. I don’t think Changbin or your other friend realised it, though,” Hyunjin readjusted his position so that he was sitting with his legs pulled to his chest. “So what’s the deal with you guys?”

Seungmin sighed. That was a good question; a good question that he didn’t have the answer to. He thought about exactly how he should explain the situation and decided that starting at the beginning would be the best course of action.

So Seungmin let Hyunjin in on the story so far. He recollected the meeting on the train as best he could, purposefully leaving out Felix’s disappearance at the end, then moved on to explain why, to him at least, this had made their reunion so confusing. They knew each other, but they didn’t. Hyunjin listened closely, not taking his eyes off Seungmin the entire time he was talking. Once he had admitted to it all, a heavy silence settled over the two of them. Now that the story was out there, Seungmin couldn’t help but think he sounded a bit delusional. His recollection was more like a fairy tale than a personal anecdote. He gulped down his nerves as he prayed for Hyunjin to just say something already.

Changbin reappeared in sweatpants and flip-flops. He had barely crossed the threshold between the hallway and the living room before Hyunjin whipped around and shouted, “Absolutely no flip-flops!”

Changbin screeched like a banshee as he returned to change his outfit yet again. “God I hate this household.”

“Sorry about that, I hate flip-flops,” Hyunjin said. He shifted himself again, leaning his head into the couch cushions. “Where were we?”

“I just told you about how I met Felix,” Seungmin said simply.

“Oh right,” Hyunjin scratched his nose. “It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”

That was all the validation Seungmin needed. He deflated, his body falling sideways as he threw himself over the arm of the couch, sighing. “Right? I don’t know what to make of it.”

“You sure it’s the same guy? Maybe you mistook him for someone else,” Hyunjin offered.

“But then how would he have recognised me? How could he have known my name?”

“Oh, yeah…” Hyunjin lapsed back into momentary silence. In the pause, they heard Changbin knock something over in his bedroom. “I don’t know what to say. It’s weird, but like, maybe he’s just forgetful? Why don’t you talk to him about it tonight?” 

Seungmin nodded. Hyunjin was right; the easiest way to settle it would be to just talk to Felix. Even Seungmin understood that, but there was a strange feeling in his chest when he thought about it. Not quite panic, or dread, but something altogether more hollow… more empty. It didn’t hurt, but it did remind Seungmin of the way his chest would tighten up after middle school baseball practice on days when he forgot to take his inhaler with him.

“You’re right. I’ll see if I can pull him aside later,” Seungmin said, his words just as empty. “If I don’t talk to him, it’ll just keep bothering me. Thanks, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin smiled. “Any time.”

“Ok, I think I have it this time,” Changbin said.

He walked into the living room in a burgundy sweatshirt and high waisted jeans. He stood with his hands behind his back, head raised, not looking at his roommates waiting on the couch.

“If you’re gonna do it, do it quick,” He whispered.

“Is that my sweatshirt?” Hyunjin asked.

“No comment.”

Seungmin and Hyunjin shared a look. Seungmin shrugged. Hyunjin sighed.

“That’ll work, I guess,” Hyunjin said. 

Changbin fist-pumped the air in celebration. “Ok! Let’s go party!”

*

The party was already in full swing by the time the boys arrived. They approached the front door of Jeongin’s apartment in trepidation, nerves set on edge by the raucous laughter filtering out from inside. A game of rock-paper-scissors decided who would knock, and as the loser, Seungmin took the lead.

His knuckles had barely touched wood when the door pulled back to reveal a smiling Jeongin in a pink sweater vest. No, he wasn’t smiling; he was _beaming_. His smile grew even wider when he realised who was standing in front of him.

“You made it!” Jeongin said. “When you texted to say you were running late, I was kind of scared you were gonna bail.”

“Ah, sorry,” Seungmin gestured subtly behind him as he lowered his voice into a mock whisper. “We would have been on time but someone kept us waiting with bad fashion choices.”

“Hey, I can hear you,” Changbin retaliated to Seungmin’s very audible comment as Hyunjin cackled beside him.

Jeongin laughed too, then stood aside to let the three of them into the apartment.

The apartment was bigger than Jeongin had led Seungmin to believe. They entered into a hallway and added their shoes to a long line by the door. From the entrance, the living room was hidden, although people’s voices carried easily through to meet their ears. There was a door to the right, shut, and then another two doors around the corner, splitting off from the apartment’s main room. Jeongin gestured to these as they passed by, identifying one as the bathroom in case they needed to use it. From this corner, the apartment then opened up into an open plan living room and kitchen, much like Seungmin, Hyunjin and Changbin’s apartment did. The ruckus they had heard out in the hallway was ten times louder now. Seungmin winced at a sudden bark of laughter, his shoulders creeping up towards his ears. 

The kitchen on their left had a long, granite counter stretching its length, obscured under the various plates of pizza and other snacks that had been laid out. There were soft drinks beside it and paper cups stacked into teetering towers; white styrofoam that was at odds with Seungmin’s image of a college party. In the living room’s centre was a black couch, currently occupied by three people clutching onto Switch controllers. Other guests were crowded around to watch animated characters fight on the TV, taking places both standing and on the floor. Closer to the kitchen was another group, about five or six people, sitting cross-legged on the floor playing cards. They seemed to be making bets with individually wrapped chocolates as currency. Seungmin watched with amusement as one girl lost and was forced to hand over her entire stash to her grinning friend at her side. All in all, there were about 15 people that Seungmin could see in the living room. It was crowded but not overwhelmingly so. 

Seungmin scanned the crowd, looking for a familiar face, but he didn’t recognise anyone. The hollow feeling in his chest grew a little larger. Where was he?

Jeongin took them around and introduced them to the groups of people. They smiled, waved, said their names and moved on. There were a few more guests that Seungmin hadn’t seen in his initial sweep hiding in the corner of the room, deep in conversation. They only looked up briefly when Jeongin called to them, then went back to their fervent whispering. After that, he set them free on the party. Hyunjin and Changbin, like two puppies released from their owner’s hold, rushed towards the pizza, Hyunjin holding up two slices to compare them to Changbin’s face. Seungmin resisted the urge to sigh, and instead redirected his energy to talking with Jeongin.

“Hey, thanks for inviting us tonight. They were- I mean, we were all really looking forward to coming,” Seungmin said. “I’m sorry again about how late we were.”

“You don’t have to apologise! I’m glad you’re here,” Jeongin craned his neck to look about the room. “There’s a bit of a mix of people here tonight, I hope that’s not too intimidating for you guys.”

“We’ll be ok,” Seungmin said, looking back at Hyunjin and Changbin who had already joined the card game on the floor. He swerved his head to take stock of the whole room again, before leaning in to ask Jeongin a question. “Er, by the way, where’s Felix?”

“He’s out doing errands right now, but he should be back soon.”

Seungmin nodded. That was ok, he’d see him eventually. He knew this logically, but that didn’t prevent the sudden knot that was forming in his stomach. As a distraction he grabbed himself a slice of pizza and took a seat on the floor by the TV, settling in to watch the games tournament in progress. 

Although he tried to concentrate on the steadily progressing tournament brackets, Seungmin struggled to keep track of it all. He wasn’t familiar with games in general, and certainly not the one that had been picked out for the evening, so he just sat quietly, staring at the screen, and picking at the pizza he had served himself. He had hoped eating something would make him feel better, but now the strong smell of cheese and pepperoni just made him feel sick. He held onto the plate regardless; he needed to keep his hands busy.

Time passed and soon Seungmin had been sitting there for half an hour, not doing much at all. His back was stiff and as the tournament began to wind down, he found himself staring at the apartment door, waiting. He felt foolish to be watching like that but he was desperate to put a stopper in the hollowness filling up his chest. It was like he couldn’t even feel the beat of his own heart anymore. He wanted to talk to Felix, he wanted to figure out who they were to each other and if that night really had been just a dream. He wanted to know how he knew him despite it.

The game restarted anew and Seungmin decided sitting there would do him no good. He wandered over to the card game and sat behind Hyunjin to watch the hands unfold. Changbin was out already and was instead involved in the fervent conversation that they had interrupted earlier. He was envious of the both of them. In that moment they were present, completely oblivious to the way time was bending around them. Seungmin was stuck somewhere on a perpendicular axis that pierced through past, present, and future; he was suspended, lost in confusion, unable to commit himself to any one moment. He hated how stuck inside his thoughts he’d become when he should have been there to enjoy myself, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

An hour later, Felix finally showed up.

A commotion from the hallway drew Seungmin’s attention away from the game of cards he was only half paying attention to, still lost deep inside his thoughts. He turned around out of simple curiosity to be greeted by Felix, standing there with plastic bags looped around his arms. There was someone else beside him who Seungmin, predictably, did not recognise, also laden down with carrier bags. Jeongin was talking to the two of them in a scene that was altogether normal but that Seungmin found himself watching fervently. He paid particular attention to Felix, hoping that if he kept him in sight then he wouldn’t disappear again.

“Everyone, sorry to keep you waiting,” Suddenly Felix was speaking. The room fell quiet and turned to face him in a synchronicity that Seungmin found a little creepy. Felix smiled and lifted a plastic bag high in the air. “The drinks are IN!”

The room erupted in cheers and shouts of anticipation. Hyunjin grabbed Seungmin by the shoulders and shook him vigorously, babbling in his excitement. Felix and the other person carrying bags were like heroes returning from war as they walked into the kitchen. People reached out to pat them on the backs, offering words of thanks and excitement. It was like a parade, the way the guests began to swarm in excitement with the bags full of alcohol as their locus. It was a reaction Seungmin couldn’t quite understand; he was still haunted by the beer he’d drunk after the entrance ceremony.

As Felix passed by the group playing cards Seungmin could swear that their eyes met, although briefly, and he saw the spark of recognition light up in Felix’s eyes the same way it had at the shopping mall. It was a fleeting connection, however, quick enough that Seungmin could easily believe he had imagined it.

With the introduction of alcohol into their midsts, the mood changed considerably. The games console was switched off, the cards cleared up, and the fervent conversations put on pause as bottles and cans were placed one by one along the counter. Music started playing, a low volume at first, a thrumming dance beat beneath steadily rising chatter. 

In the middle of this sudden activity, Seungmin saw his chance to talk to Felix, who was counting cans in the kitchen, separate from the swarm. He took one step forward, heavier than expected, as though the floor had turned suddenly to thick mud and he was wading through without support. When he reached the counter, Felix looked up, his eyes wide as he stared at Seungmin. Someone laughed. The smell of spirits was overpowering as someone poured out shots. Seungmin opened his mouth to speak… but was immediately cut off by Hyunjin barrelling into him from behind. He whipped around in anger.

“What are you doing?” Seungmin demanded.

“We’re gonna drink, come on!” Hyunjin grabbed onto Seungmin’s hand and spun him in a wide circle before pulling over to a dining table on the other side of the kitchen where Changbin was waiting.

Seungmin looked over his shoulder towards Felix, only to find the boy had slipped away in the split second he had been preoccupied with scolding Hyunjin. The hollow feeling in Seungmin’s chest grew heavier.

Unable to pick out where Felix had gone, Seungmin shifted his attention to what was happening in front of him.

Changbin had three shot glasses filled to the brim with shimmering, golden liquid, three lemon slices, and a salt shaker lined up on the table.

“What’s that?” Seungmin asked, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

“Tequila,” Changbin said matter-of-factly. “Now hold out your hand.”

Seungmin did not trust Changbin in the slightest, but he held out his hand regardless. Changbin picked up the salt shaker and knocked a line of salt onto the side of Seungmin’s hand between his thumb and pointer finger. Seungmin’s face scrunched up as he stared at Changbin, waiting for further explanation.

“It’s a tequila shot. First, you lick that up, it lessens the burn, then down your shot and quickly bite into this lemon wedge afterwards.” 

“What the hell…” Seungmin whispered to himself as Hyunjin and Changbin made similar preparations. Once they were ready they all quickly lapped up the salt, the taste of it making Seungmin’s face scrunch up even more. Then a shot glass was put into each of their hands, they made a toast, then downed it quick.

It burnt. A fire was ripping its way through Seungmin’s throat as he coughed and spluttered. He thought he might be burning alive, but then a lemon wedge was unceremoniously shoved into his mouth, and its sourness gave him something else to focus on.

Hyunjin raised his hands in the air and twisted them in clumsy motions, his face puckered up as he spat out the lemon wedge he had been biting onto. Changbin was seemingly content, sighing as he put his wedge down gently on the counter.

“Ah, now that’s exactly what I needed,” He said.

During this time the combination of the drinks and music had caused the guests to congregate in the centre of the living room, turning it into a makeshift dance floor. Their numbers were small but with all their bodies crammed into such a confined space, it became difficult to define one person from the next.

Seungmin peered into the jostling crowd, trying to find Felix amongst them but ultimately failing. He was starting to doubt that they would ever get to talk.

To further aid his search, Seungmin joined Hyunjin and Changbin at the edge of the crowd to dance. His movements were clumsy and uncoordinated, completely unused to dancing as he was, but he followed the rhythm of the music and managed to choreograph a safe routine for himself; understated, undetected, he began to two-step through the crowd.

Losing himself in the foray, Seungmin found himself pressed up against strangers. He saw faces in close detail, looked beyond their heavy eyes to the dreams behind them, and in that moment he wondered if he could tell their futures. Each meeting was impermanent in length and soon Seungmin found he had met with every person at the party in his travels; every person that was except for Felix.

He was about to return to Hyunjin and Changbin when he spied a familiar silhouette pinned against the wall, detached from the action. Felix was watching from his sentinel completely alone, except for a small glass in hand full of a spirit that Seungmin couldn’t identify. He hesitated before he approached, unsure what he would say, unsure what he would discover. Maybe he was afraid; afraid to find out something he shouldn’t. Deciding to be just a little braver, he swallowed that fear and stepped out from the crowd.

“Felix,” Seungmin called out as he approached, holding one hand up in greeting.

Felix returned the gesture, but it was a very subdued mimicry. His face resembled that of Seungmin’s own when he had bitten into the lemon wedge, every feature pulling taut at what could only be a sour taste on the tongue. Seungmin faltered in his approach, hand falling as he watched the panic spread across Felix’s face, and in the moment that he paused, Felix found the chance to slip away yet again.

“Minho, let’s dance!” Felix shouted to someone that Seungmin couldn’t see.

He turned around to find the boy who had entered with Felix earlier cutting through the crowd towards them. He looked at Seungmin first, then at Felix in confusion, as the strange boy grabbed onto Minho’s hand and pulled him deep into the centre of the swarm. Seungmin watched them go, now empty as realisation took over his senses.

Felix was avoiding him.

It was obvious now, painfully so, and Seungmin didn’t understand why. He tried to take a deep breath but his chest was constricted, bound up in red string so strong that no amount of trying could cut it free. He wished he had his inhaler so he could breathe easy. All he had wanted to do was talk, iron out their contradicting stories, but Felix clearly had other plans.

So. What did he do now?

Seungmin rejoined his roommates and followed their lead in the dance, casting a look now and then at Felix laughing and dancing with his friend on the other side of the room. He knew he shouldn’t be staring, but he couldn’t help it. There was so much that didn’t make sense, so many mysteries trying to solve themselves in his head. He was tired, and he just wanted to understand.

For the rest of the night, Seungmin was distracted; even more so than he had been when they first arrived. Someone put a bottle of beer in his hand and he held onto it all night, grazing on it now and again, but never coming close to finishing it. When someone talked to him he replied but had no idea what he may have said. He tolerated Hyunjin clambering all over him in exuberance, and Changbin trying to drunkenly explain how to read your birth chart, and Jeongin and his one-tone smiling face, but through everything Seungmin’s thoughts were far, far away. He was present but completely separate from everyone around him.

The party began to wind down around midnight when a neighbour came to politely complain about the noise. Jeongin apologised profusely and the music was immediately turned to a minimum. The mix changed up from pulsing dance to lo-fi beats that sounded like they were in a coffee shop. Groups were splitting off to chat in whispers that only their partners could hear, droning on in a way that threatened to lull Seungmin to sleep. The sudden weight pulling on his eyelids galvanised him into movement.

He was standing against a wall with Hyunjin and Changbin sitting on the floor beside him. Hyunjin rested his head against Seungmin’s thigh, and Changbin had his head resting in Hyunjin’s lap. They were lined up like matryoshka dolls, pulled open and set to sleep beside one another. Seungmin tapped Hyunjin on the shoulder to get his attention.

“I’m gonna go use the bathroom,” Seungmin said.

“Cool,” Hyunjin removed his head from Seungmin’s thigh and flashed him a peace sign as Seungmin headed in the direction of what he assumed was the bathroom.

Despite having been shown the way by Jeongin earlier in the night, Seungmin no longer remembered which room was which when he was faced with the dilemma of choosing between three doors. There was one to his left, one to his right, and one straight ahead; all painted plain white with no indicator as to what could be inside. Seungmin felt like he was on a game show, and that if he opened the wrong door then a tiger might leap out to devour him. It was an important decision.

He went with the door straight ahead after a brief period of deliberation, deciding he could just shut it and try again if he was wrong. The door swung open and Seungmin stumbled into a room that was very much not the bathroom. It was a bedroom, plush pink carpet lapping at the feet of cream coloured walls. Recognising his mistake Seungmin was about to leave when he spotted a familiar not-quite-Christmas jumper hung up on the handle of a tall, wooden wardrobe.

Closing the door behind him with a soft click, Seungmin looked around for further indication that the realisation dawning on him is correct, but even without further confirmation, he knew that the room was Felix’s.

He turned in a slow circle. Even though it had presumably been left empty for the night, fairy lights chained above the bed lit everything in a warm glow. It tinged even the baby blue bedspread in a warm underscore, reflecting sunrise in its sky-like presence. Sitting atop the duvet was a stack of plush toys, Pokemon, if Seungmin was correct. He couldn’t remember their names, but the pink, long-tailed creature stacked atop the brown, bushy-tailed one were both sleeping, their eyes closed to the world. There was a dresser as well as a wardrobe, on top of which was a basket filled with bottles and tubs. Seungmin walked over and picked them up one by one; there were a variety of lotions, creams, and face washes, a comprehensive skincare routine that had the kind of breadth Seungmin would only expect from an idol. 

The room was relatively bare aside from these details, perhaps because Felix had just moved into the property, much like Jeongin, but one more noticeable feature caught Seungmin’s eye. He walked towards it to get a better look.

It was a string of polaroids hung onto a white thread with decorative wooden pegs. There were five in total. In the first, Felix is blonde. He’s posing with another guy, a little taller than him, also blonde. They look like they’re standing on a beach somewhere. The ocean behind them is a shade of blue that Seungmin had never seen before.

The second photo is of an empty dance studio. Even in the restrictive frame of a polaroid, Seungmin can tell that it’s big. It’s big enough that Seungmin wonders if it doesn’t belong to some entertainment company building somewhere. 

The third looks like it’s just Felix, standing alone on a hiking trail somewhere. His silhouette is tiny against the expanse of emerald topped trees around him, but he stands out because his hair is bright red.

The fourth looks recent; it’s brown-haired Felix and Jeongin, shaking hands in front of the apartment’s front door. They’re both staring at the camera with a serious expression, but it’s obvious to anyone that they’re trying not to laugh. Seungmin smiles. 

His eyes moved to the last polaroid, expecting a scene equally as heartwarming, but what Seungmin saw stopped his heart. It took a moment after the initial shock for him to process what he was looking at. His already delicate understanding of reality was being called into question yet again at this new evidence submitted for consideration. It was unbelievable, but it was real, no matter how much Seungmin wanted to deny it such a label.

With a shaking hand, Seungmin reached out and plucked the polaroid from the wooden peg. He held it just centimetres from his face to check that his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. In the fifth and final polaroid, Felix had pink hair. It was styled similarly to when they had first met, bangs parted in the middle and trailing along his brow line. He was dressed in a cardigan that was far too big for him, brandished with a garish smiley face on the breast pocket. Seungmin couldn’t distinguish where the photo had been taken; it looked like a park, perhaps, or a garden. It didn’t matter, though, that wasn’t the most important part of the photograph. Felix was sitting on a bench with someone. That someone had their arm around Felix, and the two of them were looking towards the camera in pure happiness. Both of their smiles were blindingly bright. 

All of these details alone should be normal. Not particularly worthy of attention. It was just a photo. Like the first photo, it was just Felix posing with a friend. It was a nice memory, a keepsake. Nothing to panic about.

The problem was, however, that the friend in the photo was Seungmin.

Nausea bubbled up in Seungmin’s stomach as he stared at the polaroid in which he was so clearly together with Felix. He hoped he had been mistaken, but there was no way he could misidentify his face. This Seungmin was different; this Seungmin had dyed his hair an ash blonde, something that present Seungmin had never done in his life. When had this photo been taken? How could it even exist when he and Felix had only met the week before? Questions upon questions piled up in Seungmin’s mind, and without answers, he thought he might be on the edge of exploding.

What the hell was going on?

Then, the door to the bedroom slammed open.

Seungmin slipped the polaroid into his pocket and turned around to face the intruder.

It was Felix.

Caught red-handed, all Seungmin could do was freeze. He clasped his hands behind his back as Felix stared at him. There was something shaky about Felix’s movements. He was standing still, but his arms were swaying. He blinked, slow, like a cat. Seungmin held his breath. He knew that he should say something. Anything. Hurry up and apologise, but his words were stuck in his throat like food swallowed the wrong way. He prayed for the moment to end.

Felix took a step forward. His balance was off. 

He took another. Seungmin blinked. What was he doing?

Felix took one more step then, all at once, broke into a run. Seungmin had little-to-no time to react as the strange boy tackled him. Felix grabbed onto Seungmin’s waist and buried his head against his chest. Unsure of what to do, Seungmin just looked down bewildered, his arms held up like wings about to take flight.

Surely Felix was about to berate Seungmin for being in his room without permission. The way he had stared at Seungmin when he came in, however, had been unfocused, like neither of them were there. Now that Seungmin had the physical proof that Felix existed, his arms still looped tight around his waist, he found it harder to give such a thought any credulity.

Then, Felix started shaking. Seungmin couldn’t see his face, couldn’t tell from his expression what might be happening, but as small gasps escaped from Felix’s lips, Seungmin realised that he was crying.

“I’m sorry,” Felix cried, his voice soft and shaky. “I’m so sorry.”

Seungmin put his hands on Felix’s shoulders to try and push him back a little, just so he could see his face, but the movement did nothing. Felix continued to mutter into Seungmin’s shirt, crying, his words barely making sense.

“I was so shocked that you remembered me,” He continued. “I didn’t know what to do. Every other time we’ve met like that you had, had no idea who I was, and it hurt so much… I was scared, I was scared that because you remembered, then you’d remember everything else too…”

“Remember what?” Seungmin asked.

“From before, from all the other times we’ve met. Sometimes we became friends, sometimes we didn’t, and sometimes I didn’t meet you at all. I couldn’t stand that. I didn’t want to be alone. I was, I was just so happy that this time… this time you knew who I was.”

Felix pulled back suddenly and looked Seungmin in the eye. His face was a mess; red, wet, with snot trailing along his philtrum. His bottom lip was quivering as he tried to force more words into the open.

“I, I just… I missed you so damn much.” Felix concluded before breaking into fresh sobs.

Seungmin let Felix’s words settle for a moment, more questions than answers revolving in his head, and as much as he wanted to press further, get a proper conversation out of this situation, he knew that it wasn’t the right time. Felix reeked of alcohol. So instead of confronting him, as he had planned, Seungmin instead moved around to support Felix’s arm and guided him to his bed.

Felix all but fell onto his mattress, head careening back from the force with which he sat down. Seungmin sat beside him, and pulled him back to an upright position, leaving his hand on his back as he assessed the situation. Felix was still crying, sobs escaping his throat like guttural growls. It was an unpleasant sound that made Seungmin wince.

“I’m going to get you some water, ok?” Seungmin said, pushing himself up to leave.

As he stood up, however, Felix grabbed onto his arm desperately.

“Please don’t leave me,” Felix whispered. “Please, not again.”

Seungmin was uncomfortable. He wanted to help Felix, but he also wanted to get away from him at that moment. He gently pried Felix’s fingers from his arm, squeezing his hand as he said, “I won’t. I’m going to the kitchen, and then I’ll be right back. Just wait here.”

That seemed to appease Felix’s rush of panic and he nodded, shuffling back as best he could in his inebriated state so that his back was resting against the wall. Seungmin kept an eye on him as he approached the bedroom door, hoping that he wouldn’t try to stop him again, but Felix didn’t move. He just sat on his bed, crying quietly.

With the door closed behind him, Seungmin took a brief moment to catch his breath. There was so much to sort through, so many questions he still didn’t have answers to, and as much as he wanted time to stop for just a second so he could try and figure it all out, he knew that if he didn’t keep moving then he would collapse under the weight of the circumstances that were pushing down upon him. He breathed in and out and counted the seconds in-between, and then headed directly for the kitchen.

The party was truly nearing its end he realised, as he counted how many people had given up on doing anything of merit, and were instead just lounging about on the floor. He checked on his roommates, who hadn’t moved at all since he’d left them, then rounded the corner into the kitchen, only to run into Felix’s friend from earlier. They almost bumped into each other, but not quite, and Seungmin muttered an apology as he weaved around him to grab a styrofoam cup from the side. He was filling it up at the sink when a voice called out to him.

“Hey, you’re Seungmin, right?”

Seungmin turned around to look at Felix’s friend, who was now addressing him directly. “Er, yeah?”

“Sorry, I’m Minho, I’m a friend of Felix’s,” He said, smiling slightly. “He’s told me a lot about you.”

Oh.

Seungmin didn’t know how to reply. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. What did that mean? He looked up at Minho and wondered how he knew Felix. Felix was an anomaly and, by first glances at least, Minho seemed completely normal. He was straight-forward and seemingly unafraid to approach strangers. His smile was genuine, but there was a hint of mischief in the way his lips curled at the ends. They were just spot observations, but the fact that Seungmin could even get such a reading from Minho meant that he was at least present in a way that Seungmin wasn’t sure Felix was yet.

“Nice to meet you,” Seungmin said with a polite nod.

His reply must have tickled Minho because he giggled all of a sudden.

“What?” Seungmin frowned.

“Nothing, nothing… it’s just, you’re just like Felix said you were,” Minho explained. “You really are unfalteringly polite.”

“Um, thank… you?” He guessed it was a compliment, although Minho’s tone may have suggested otherwise. 

“No worries,” He raised a hand in a parting gesture. “See you around, Seungmin.”

“Yeah, see you…”

Seungmin watched Minho merge with a group of people on the far side of the room, unsure what to make of their exchange. If that was what Felix’s friends were like, Seungmin was a little worried.

He shuddered, then took the styrofoam cup and returned to Felix’s room. He opened the door, ready to make sure Felix would be ok and wasn’t too far gone in his drunkenness, but when Seungmin entered the room, he realised that Felix was asleep.

Felix had fallen onto his side since Seungmin had left him, and was curled up with his hands beneath his head like a makeshift pillow, despite the fact there was an actual pillow just inches from where he lay. Seungmin placed the cup on the dresser beside Felix’s extensive skincare collection and surveyed the scene.

He couldn’t be too deeply asleep, but Seungmin decided against waking him. Partially because he was sure Felix needed the rest, and partially because he had had enough of strange conversations for one night. It’s interesting how seeing someone’s sleeping state immediately makes them far more vulnerable in another’s eyes. Asleep, Felix looked so much younger than he really was. He looked too young to be so separated from the world around him.

Seungmin sighed; he’d been doing that a lot lately, and looked around the room. Felix’s bed was right beside a window, and Seungmin didn’t want to leave him sleeping uncovered all night. He was hoping to find a blanket somewhere, but apart from the duvet that Felix was resting on, there wasn’t any such thing. He settled for taking the not-quite-Christmas jumper off of the wardrobe’s handle and draped it over Felix’s torso. Not a foolproof measure but good enough.

Satisfied, Seungmin took one last look at Felix, then left.

On behalf of his household, Seungmin decided it was time to call it a night. His head was too full to be anywhere but his bed any longer, so he collected Hyunjin and Changbin from the floor, thanked Jeongin once again for the invitation, and then headed for the station to get the last train home. 

The journey home was quiet. Hyunjin seemed preoccupied, Changbin was dozing on and off, and Seungmin was replaying the events of the evening over and over again. Every time he thought he had reached a logical conclusion a wall would pop up out of nowhere to smash it into pieces. Between Felix’s drunken ramblings and Minho’s somewhat snide comments, Seungmin had no capacity left to process all the new data that had been thrust upon him. It would get him nowhere to chase his ruminations in circles when he was both very tired and a little tipsy, so he left them to rest, resolving to pick it up in the morning when he felt more awake.

Once they arrived back at the apartment, Seungmin left Hyunjin and Changbin to take care of themselves, heading straight for his bedroom. He was done. He had no more energy to do anything but sleep. Seungmin didn’t even turn the light on as he got undressed. In the dark, he stumbled into track pants and a t-shirt and was about to go to bed when he felt something crunch underfoot. He bent down as best he could and groped about for whatever it was. What he picked up was square, smooth on one side, and sticky on the other. He held it towards the window to get a better look, and in the light from the moon, he saw something he hadn’t realised he had taken.

It was the polaroid of him and Felix, arms around each other; happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading and for making it this far!
> 
> I wrote this chapter uncharacteristically quickly, and I can't say if it's because I've hit a rhythm with my writing, or because I've had a lot of free time on my hands this week. Either way, I'm still going to caution that my update goal is staying at once a month, although that may change depending on how motivated I'm feeling haha.
> 
> I'm really enjoying writing this so far and I hope that you're enjoying reading it too.
> 
> I'll see you in the next chapter!


	4. Day 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin is ready to confront Felix - but is he ready to hear the truth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: 
> 
> Kumo to Yuurei - Yorushika

The decision was clear in Seungmin’s mind when he woke up the next morning; he was going to confront Felix and put to rest the confusion that had stalked him ever since they’d met. He had woken up early, but upon remembering the state Felix had been in when he’d left the night prior, Seungmin knew it would be useless to start anything before noon. So Seungmin just laid there, staring at his ceiling, listening out for any signs that his roommates were also awake. The apartment was silent, however, except for the rhythmic drumming of rain on the roof.

Venturing into the living room-comma-kitchen for a much-needed boost of caffeine, he found his roommates passed out on the couch in each other’s arms. Changbin was lying with his head propped up by the arm of the couch, with Hyunjin asleep on top of him, head resting on his chest and long legs dangling over the opposite end of the couch into oblivion. Frankly, it looked like the most uncomfortable position to sleep in, but Seungmin was careful not to disturb them as he went about fixing himself a cup of coffee and retreated to his room.

Seungmin wasted his morning doing absolutely nothing. He sat in bed, sipped his coffee, listened to the rain and didn’t allow a single thought to surface in his mind the entire time. He was tired, he was once again hungover, and he was overwhelmed. All of the information dumped on him at the party swirled around his head; jagged pieces of a puzzle that were still missing the key to its completion. Instead of trying to shove them into places they wouldn’t fit, Seungmin had resolved to leave them be until he could speak to Felix again and, hopefully, collect the final piece to bring it all together. For the sake of his sanity, he had to believe it would fall into place one way or another. 

At 12:30 Seungmin began to get ready in earnest. He showered and changed his clothes, looking for something comfortable to wear that wouldn’t irritate his aching limbs. He poured out two glasses of water and arranged cut fruit on a plate, leaving it on the coffee table for when Changbin and Hyunjin woke up. Then he slipped the polaroid photo into a bag before grabbing Felix’s umbrella and heading out into the cold afternoon. He let himself float along the streets on auto-pilot, allowing the scenery and its people to fade away into the background as he caught the train heading for Felix’s apartment.

He kept his head clear all the way there, taking deep breaths at regular intervals to balance out the hollow weight still pressing down on his chest. As long as he didn’t get too caught up in his own thoughts, then he was confident that could face the truth bravely. He maintained his delicate balancing act right up until he knocked on the apartment door. In the seconds before it opened, his self-imposed calm began to seep away, and by the time Jeongin opened the door, Seungmin’s heart was beating like a bass drum. 

Jeongin blinked. “Seungmin? What are you doing here?”

“Is Felix in?” Seungmin peered over Jeongin’s shoulder to the hallway beyond, hoping to catch a glimpse of the elusive boy.

“Yeah, he’s here, he’s sleeping right now though.”

“Oh,” Seungmin exhaled. “If it’s alright with you, do you mind if I wait for him to wake up? I have something important that I need to talk to him about.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jeongin’s sentence trailed off, confusion inching every syllable. “Come in.”

The apartment was quiet, a complete contrast to the highs of the previous night’s party. Without all those bodies crammed between its enclosed walls, the apartment widened out in a way that had Seungmin comparing it with his own living quarters. He was envious of the high ceiling in particular, the way that any noise bounced off of its flat surface and echoed through the room with twice its original force. It was also surprisingly tidy, Seungmin mused, as he wandered over to the couch. The traces of the party had been almost entirely swept away. Only the empty glass bottles lined on the kitchen counter, and the clear bag full of styrofoam cups trailing on the floor, even indicated that such an event had taken place.

The TV was on, paused on some scene from a drama that Seungmin didn’t know the name of. He didn’t know the actors either. He stared at the screen as if his stern gaze would make the strange faces recognisable to him, but their names remained beyond Seungmin’s realm of knowledge.

Jeongin shuffled over and sank into the cushion beside Seungmin, grabbing a hold of a stray plush toy that was lying abandoned to one side. He grabbed for the TV remote, about to restart the episode he had been watching, but then returned the remote to the glass coffee table without pressing play.

“I’m pretty embarrassed that you’re seeing me in my pyjamas this early into our friendship,” Jeongin said, gripping onto the arms of his blue check shirt. “I feel like I’m exposing myself or somethin’.”

Seungmin waved away his concern. “Your pyjamas are cute, don’t worry.”

In the silence that followed it was impressed upon Seungmin that he shouldn’t be there. To make a house call unannounced was far from polite, and despite Jeongin’s bright smile it was difficult to ignore the way he played with the loose thread on the cuff of his shirt. Seungmin hung his head, repeating apologies in his mind that he didn’t dare say out loud, hoping that Jeongin would forgive him. 

“It’s none of my business but… did you and Felix have a fight last night?”

“Hm, something like that,” Seungmin wrang his hands together, pressing into his thighs with his knuckles. “I think we haven’t been communicating properly, which is why things ended up the way they did…”

Jeongin mulled Seungmin’s words over before responding. “That’s a smart way to go about it. I don’t know what happened, but I did see Felix cryin’ when he was washing up for bed. I hope you guys can sort it out.”

“Me too,” Seungmin sighed.

“You’re obviously important to him,” Jeongin offered, leaning his cheek into his palm. “Don’t tell him I spilled but he was so excited after we bumped into you the other day. Like, he wouldn’t stop saying how happy he was to see you.”

The hollowness in Seungmin’s chest grew heavier. He sighed, hoping to alleviate some of the tension, but it only made his ribcage pull tighter. 

“I’d kinda thought you’d only met recently, but I guess you two go way back, huh?”

It was a fair assumption, but somehow hearing it from a third-party ran Seungmin’s blood cold. It really was a tangled web that he had found himself in. There was an entire history between Felix and Seungmin, meetings and goodbyes, memories of happier times that he was no longer privy to, and it scared him. To not know whilst the world continued turning around him; the realisation chilled him to the bone.

“Innie, I wanna eat _kongnamulguk_.”

Seungmin looked up as Felix appeared, rubbing at his eyes, swamped in a white t-shirt and sweatpants that both seemed several sizes too big for him. Until that moment, Seungmin hadn’t realised how small Felix was. Felix pulled his hands away from his face and stared bleary-eyed at the boys sitting on the couch. His expression changed slowly at first, eyes and mouth widening, then they morphed all at once into perfect circles in a comical display of shock as Felix’s eyes fell on Seungmin. Seungmin raised a hand in greeting, but the gesture was ignored as Felix turned on his heel and disappeared back into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Jeongin frowned at the space where Felix had just been standing. “I feel like I needa apologise on his behalf.”

“No, it’s ok. It’s my fault,” Seungmin wasn’t sure what to do from that moment onwards. Even if he was desperate for answers, he didn’t want to make Felix uncomfortable by barging into his private space more than he already had. He looked at Jeongin then out towards the hallway. What should he do?

The sound of a door creaking echoed in the quiet apartment. Soft footsteps followed. Felix reappeared, just moments after his retreat, dressed now in a hoodie and cosy looking bed socks. He hid his hands in his sleeves, walking up to Jeongin’s side of the couch with an air of penance usually found in blasphemous priests.

“Hey,” He said, a hypothetical olive branch pushed towards Seungmin.

“Hey,” Seungmin accepted it with ready hands.

Jeongin whipped his head between the two as they stared at each other in silence. This lasted for almost a minute before Jeongin broke the stand-off with a hurried, “I’m gonna make some soup.” He launched himself from the unenviable middle-man position, escaping to the solitary haven of the kitchen.

“Can we talk?” Seungmin asked.

“Yeah. We should, er, we should talk in my room though… if you’re ok with that.”

Felix’s room, much like the apartment as a whole, was different in the morning light. It was emptier, lacking the character that had seemed to suffuse every surface under the watchful twinkle of the fairy lights. The curtains beside the bed were pulled tight, leaving the room in a morning gloom unsuitable for hours past 12 pm. The polaroids were missing from their pegs.

Seungmin and Felix took vigil on opposite ends of the bed, making sure they were a full arm’s length apart. They sat frozen with their hands in their laps, the only sound to remind them the world was turning, coming from the ever-present rain beyond the windowpane. It was difficult to know where to start. There was no procedure for them to follow, or any other hint of how to sort out the mess they had caused. 

“How are you feeling?” Seungmin asked, deciding to start with something tangible.

“Hungover. Like, very, very hungover,” Felix closed his eyes tight then reopened them, his gaze wavering. “Everything hurts and nothing is good.”

Seungmin shifted. “Do you want to talk another time?”

“No, it’s ok,” Felix said. He flexed his arms in a show of mock strength. “I can power through.”

The smile Felix showed Seungmin was weak. It almost made him want to stop the conversation before it had even begun. The hesitation was momentary, like most things. From the bag resting at his feet, Seungmin pulled out the polaroid of himself and Felix. He turned it so that the side with the photo was facing away from himself.

“What is this?” Seungmin asked. A thousand questions circled in his mind before settling on those three words, choosing what he’d hope would cut to the heart of the confusion.

Felix’s face fell. “Why do you have that?”

Seungmin passed it to Felix, who took it in his hands, fingers splayed as he pulled it gently towards himself, eyes tracing the two of them encased within as though it was his first time seeing it after a long while. He swallowed heavily.

“I took it home by mistake,” Seungmin shifted again, placing his palms flat against the duvet. “I’m being honest when I say I didn’t mean to.”

“I believe you,” Felix’s eyes didn’t move from the polaroid.

“What is it, Felix?” Seungmin’s voice was laced with tiredness. All of the paradoxes and contradictions that had been overlapping in his thoughts swelled in a cresting wave. “How do you have a picture of us together if we’ve never met?”

Felix’s shoulders hunched towards his ears. “You won’t believe me.”

“Maybe not, but I want to try to. Please.”

“You really won’t believe me,” Felix’s body was crooked as he leaned over the polaroid, clutching it to his chest as though to protect it from prying eyes. “You won’t.”

“Let me try,” Seungmin’s voice cracked on the last syllable, surprising him with the sudden loss of composure. He cleared his throat and tried once more. “Please, I’m willing to hear you out to the end.”

Felix’s breath hitched in his throat. His lips fluttered like migrating birds but they produced no sound. He pressed the polaroid closer to his chest, his eyes unable to meet Seungmin’s. He tried swallowing again, and again, his Adam's apple bobbing frantically from the motion. Felix closed his eyes and then spoke in one quick draw.

“We’ve met before.”

His voice was small, like him, drowned out in the background symphony of everyday sound: rain on the window, pots and pans jangling in the kitchen, the sigh of the apartment building as it fought off the spring chill, the beating of two hearts in pensive conversation.

“Pardon?”

“We’ve met before,” Felix raised his head, looking Seungmin straight in the eye. His gaze was direct but his pupils were wavering. “More than once. We’ve met so many times before.”

Seungmin frowned. The nausea of his own misunderstanding rolled in his stomach. His chest constricted to the point he was sure his ribs would pierce his lungs. “You mean… like on the train? At the shopping mall?”

“No, no, before that,” Felix insisted. “So many times before that.”

“I don’t understand. How could we if last week was the first time I can remember we’ve met?”

Felix took a deep breath. “About the polaroid… where it’s from. I’ll start there.”

Seungmin looked between Felix’s face, taut as thoughts he couldn’t access swam through his mind, and the polaroid in his hand. That damning photograph that had no place in Seungmin’s current reality. 

“It was May 10th… a Sunday, I think,” Felix began.

_May 10th? What year?_ The photo looked recent but in May the year before, Seungmin had still been living with his parents.

“We were hanging out with Hyunjin and Jisung, we’d pitched in to buy a polaroid camera and were messing around, testing it out…”

_Who was Jisung?_

“There were more pictures than this, of all of us together, but I can’t carry that much across in one go so I had to choose the photo that was… er, that was the most important to me,” Felix’s cheeks burnt with a sudden flush, despite how cold it was on the bed by the window.

“I don’t understand,” Seungmin was trying his best to keep up, he was desperately unravelling the story spun to him as Felix spoke, but as the threads slipped through his hands he found himself left with nothing but tangled lines.

“Ok,” Felix looked up at the ceiling for a moment before lowering his gaze back to Seungmin. “We’ve met before, but… it was in another timeline.”

The words were straight in their delivery, without even a hint of hesitation in their cadence. They hung on their own clause; heavy, pregnant pauses ripe for the picking. Seungmin reached for them, afraid of their scarlet wrapping and the knowledge they undoubtedly carried beneath it. One bite would reveal it all if he could just find the courage to claim them for his own.

“Another timeline… what does that mean?”

Felix breathed slowly, his whole body rising and collapsing with the motion. Although brave in facing Seungmin head-on, he had to look away as he continued his explanation, “If I said that I’m stuck reliving the same 100 days over and over again… would you believe me?”

“Like a time loop?” Seungmin considered it, shocked at how he was even giving an idea such as that any real thought. “That’s quite far-fetched.”

He felt that he was being mocked. Suddenly the idea that it may all just be an elaborate prank didn’t seem so unlikely.

“I know, but I swear it’s the truth,” Felix’s voice was steady, whether through effort or confidence it was impossible to tell. “Like you said, how could this polaroid exist if we only met last week? We were friends in another timeline. It’s the first time meeting for you, but not for me.”

“How am I supposed to believe this?” Seungmin whispered, more to himself than to Felix. His head ached. It made sense, he supposed, but it was like something from a movie or a science fiction novel. Seungmin had gone looking for answers only to stumble into a mess of fresh contradictions.

“What do I need to do to make you believe me?” Felix placed the polaroid to one side, still not looking at Seungmin directly. Although his pupils flickered as he kept track of him from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t know,” Seungmin glanced at the polaroid. “How do you prove something like this?”

Neither spoke in the wake of the question. Raindrops swallowing the world outside seeped through Seungmin’s skin like frost on a dawn-kissed lawn. They amassed drop by drop until his head was a fishbowl, swimming in a cold March sea. Seungmin crossed and uncrossed his legs, wrapped his hands tight under his armpits, and counted his breaths. He was looking for a resolution that was just out of reach, and it frustrated him.

The duvet shifted, and when Seungmin broke from his reverie he looked up to find Felix’s face only inches from his own. He started at the intense gaze that was fixated upon him. Felix had leaned forward, resting one hand on the bed, the other on his lap, studying Seungmin closely, and then without any time for deliberation, said, “I’ll tell you stuff from your past that I shouldn’t have a way of knowing.”

Seungmin stiffened. “Like what?”

“Like the fact you got a commendation on your entrance essay to Royal Park. You wrote about the need to approach composition differently in modern music whilst still honouring the influence of the greats.”

The email detailing Seungmin’s commendation had arrived in his inbox the day of the entrance ceremony. He’d jumped around his bedroom upon reading it, causing such a racket that Changbin had to come ask him to keep it down.

“Like the story of that time in middle school when you were playing centre field during a baseball game and you dislocated your knee trying to catch the ball,” Felix tapped Seungmin’s left knee.

It had been a decisive point in the match. If Seungmin hadn't caught it his team would have lost. The way his leg twisted as he fell hurt like hell but it was worth it for the hero’s carry he got back to the locker room. Although the pain from the injury still bothered him on particularly cold days, even now.

“Like how the name of your first crush was Lee Daehwi.”

Seungmin hadn’t thought about Daehwi in a long time. They’d been friends in high school, or maybe just acquaintances. They talked about music at lunchtime, and Daehwi taught him what he knew about composition. Sometimes they’d play soccer together with the rest of the boys in their class. Seungmin had liked the way he’d laughed whenever he missed a pass. Daehwi had a nice smile.

“Like how you fell in the river as a kid and almost-”

“Stop,” Seungmin’s hands shot out against his will, as though the action could physically repel the words that soon died on Felix’s tongue. He could hear the water rushing in his ears and he couldn’t go there; not right then. 

“Sorry…” Felix shrank in on himself.

They were all personal details that Seungmin didn’t talk about easily with strangers. It was true that Felix had no way of knowing such things, but still, Seungmin couldn’t accept it as reality. He wasn’t sure if it was still a question of disbelief or fear. His life was well-structured in his mind, categorised for easy analysis; it was how he dealt with difficult situations so easily. If he allowed the thought that his reality wasn’t what it seemed to infect those closed spaces then he wasn’t sure how he could cope. Logic would become meaningless.

With a shuddering breath, Seungmin said, “I don’t know if I believe you… not yet, at least.” He looked at Felix, the boy he barely knew, who he had no basis to place trust upon, but there was a part of him, against all that was rational, that so desperately wanted to. “It’s a lot to process at once. I need time to, to come to grips with it.”

There was a flash of a smile on Felix’s lips but it faded quickly. He drew back, raising his arms, then dropping them to his lap, before rubbing at the back of his neck. He nodded. “Yeah, of course… sorry, I, I guess I’m so used to… this, to us, I didn’t really think how weird it would be for you. God, I’m so stupid.”

“No, it’s…” Seungmin’s words failed him. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to give Felix the affirmation he needed when Seungmin barely knew him.

There was a sudden flurry of activity as Felix jumped up, rummaging about in a pencil case stuffed under the bed. He pulled out a bright pink marker and scrawled something on the back of the polaroid before handing it to Seungmin. It was a number.

“Tonight’s winning Lotto numbers,” Felix said.

Seungmin’s eyes almost popped out of his head. He stared at Felix in confusion.

Felix laughed weakly. “Through every cycle, the numbers have never changed. Think of it as extra proof. If the past doesn’t work, then maybe predicting the future will make you believe me.”

*

Seungmin couldn’t sleep.

No matter which way he turned, no matter how many times he adjusted his bedsheets, no matter how many trips he made to the bathroom, he continued to lie in his bed staring soundlessly at the ceiling. His thoughts were in turmoil.

He replayed the conversation he’d had with Felix again and again, dissecting each explanation in an attempt to understand what it all meant. This was Seungmin’s first time meeting Felix, but this wasn’t Felix’s first time meeting Seungmin. He knew him, maybe better than Seungmin knew himself, from multiple meetings over multiple timelines. To think about it in such monolithic terms set Seungmin’s skin crawling, but if he didn’t give it such rational attention then he knew he would be at danger of dismissing it in the way he had dismissed Changbin’s tarot cards.

Seungmin remembered their encounter on the train whilst Felix didn’t. Felix knew intimate details about Seungmin’s past, but Seungmin didn’t even know Felix’s last name. There was photographic proof that they were friends, for god’s sake; proof that he couldn’t imagine would have been doctored for the sole purpose of fooling him. Felix no longer seemed like the type to do such a thing.

Repeating the same 100 days over and over again… it sounded like fiction. It wasn’t something that should be so within reach of his ordinary life. Seungmin closed his eyes and tried to picture what it would be like to live like that. Stuck in the same place, unable to move on, clinging to memories of people who didn’t know who you were. What was it like to wake up every day knowing what was in store for you? There was a twinge in Seungmin’s chest as he thought about Felix ferrying an existence like that alone.

With a resigned sigh, Seungmin rolled onto his belly and grabbed his phone. He searched up would he could about space-time theory, scrolling through articles detailing singularities, causal loops, and cyclic universes. He followed links through pages detailing quantum physics, and papers penned by professors of far-off universities, but the jargon made little sense to Seungmin. His only take away from his hour-or-so of ‘research’ was that a time loop shouldn’t be possible under the current laws of nature. If Felix was telling the truth, then that would make him someone truly amazing.

Although he had begun his reading session with the hopes of assuaging some of his biting worries, the cold hard facts of the universe did little to provide Seungmin any peace of mind.

He looked at the polaroid stuck to his wall. Felix’s hair like cotton-candy and Seungmin’s own hair dyed like ash stood out, even in the dark. Absent-mindedly, Seungmin ran his fingers through his bangs, pushing them away from his forehead. His hair had been the same birch colour for the past nineteen years. He’d never even considered dyeing it. There was so much he didn’t know; about Felix, and about himself.

The number scrawled in pink on the back, the supposed numbers for that night’s lottery; Felix had said he was predicting the future, but if he was correct then it wouldn’t be a prediction any longer. Seungmin checked the time. It was close to two in the morning, well past when the results would have been announced. Phone in one hand, polaroid in the other, Seungmin used his thumb to pull up the Lotto home page to see the numbers from that night’s draw. As he read the results, Seungmin couldn’t help but scoff. He didn’t know what he had been expecting. Of course Felix had been right.

There they were, those fateful digits that would mark the start of the end, drab and grey in their electronic form, but heavy in their repercussions:

0 - 3 - 25 - 20 - 18 - 9 + 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter saw me spiral over how bad I am at dialogue. It used to be my speciality but I ended up reading like, 4 different creative writing articles because I was so unsatisfied with the conversational portions of this chapter orz
> 
> Thank you for reading! I tried something different with formatting this time, so please let me know if it makes for easier reading or not haha


	5. Days 11 - 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin comes to a decision about Felix's story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: 
> 
> Finding You - Kesha

Seungmin had never slept so much in his life. Not even when he’d caught the flu in the 10th grade and been put out of commission with a high fever for about a week. In his intermittent waking moments, he had seen his grandmother sitting beside his bed, watching over him. Seungmin remembered he had spoken to her in his delirium, complete nonsense brought forth by the ease he felt in the presence of the wavering illusion in an orange cardigan.

When he woke from his turbulent dreams this time around, all he saw was the grey light of another rainy day in Seoul filtering through his gauze curtains. He winced, head pounding as though he were still hungover and pulled himself up into a sitting position, his back sighing in protest as he did so. His whole body ached from lying in bed for too long. It had been two days since his talk with Felix, and in the time that had elapsed in-between Seungmin had left his room only to use the bathroom and make coffee for himself at sporadic intervals. He had retreated from society completely and shut himself with his thoughts inside the familiar confines of his bedroom.

In his self-imposed seclusion, time had lost all meaning. He relied on his phone to act as an anchor amidst its passage, keeping track of the hours with its digital interface, although Seungmin had no way of telling if the numbers on display were real or not. He’d close his eyes for a moment only to find he’d been carried five hours into the future, whilst other times he’d stare at the ceiling to keep himself entertained only for the seconds to drag out like pocketed eternities. His fragile sense of reality was on a tightrope as he tried to balance Felix’s startling revelation with the cold hard facts that constituted all of known existence. Two days Seungmin had been locked in debate with himself and in that time he had dissected, divided and realigned his opinions until he reached a conclusion that was quite at odds with his image of himself. He’d decided that despite the fantastical nature of the situation, Seungmin believed Felix.

In despair at his own squandering of logical thought, Seungmin rolled onto his side to go back to sleep but was disturbed by a sudden blast of music from across the hallway. It was rowdy, rearranged garage punk that Seungmin had not expected to hear on such a quiet Saturday morning. He laid still, hoping it would die out, but when five minutes had passed without the volume decreasing in the slightest, Seungmin abandoned his attempts at sleep. Instead, he rolled over, picked up his phone and dialled a number that had been given to him a few days before.

As the dialling tone stretched out like putty, Seungmin wondered if it was appropriate to be making a phone call at 9 am. Whilst the hour wasn’t particularly early by most people’s standards, for students, and for a Saturday, it was somewhat of an unthinkable hour of operation. Still, Seungmin held onto his phone, breath hitching in his throat with each passing beep.

When the sound was cut suddenly, Seungmin thought the call had dropped, until a familiar baritone voice filled his ears. “Hello?”

Felix didn’t sound like he was properly awake yet. His voice was raspy in that way a voice was only upon waking up, intonation dragged out so that the single spoken word slowed to a drawl. Seungmin debated hanging up there and then. Instead, he cleared his throat, using his small reserve of courage to push himself forwards.

“Hey,” Seungmin said. “It’s me- I mean, it’s Seungmin.”

Warmth flooded Felix’s voice in an instant, like a plant left wilting only to bloom back to fullness at a water can’s gentle touch. “Seungmin! Good morning. Sorry, I just woke up.”

There was a light chuckle from the other end of the line and Seungmin smiled in response. “Don’t apologise, I’m sorry for calling so early… er, are you alright to talk right now?”

“Yeah, no, of course,” There was a rustling sound as Felix presumably rearranged himself in bed. “I can talk!”

“Ok, that’s great. I have something that I, that I want to talk about,” Seungmin tripped over his own words, as simple as they were, as the realisation of what he was doing struck him. As he saw it, he was at a fork in the road. One path led to a happily ignorant everyday life where time loops didn’t exist and the biggest worry on Seungmin’s mind would be deciding what to wear to class each morning. The other, however, was a much less travelled path, obscured in shadows with no real insight into what difficulties may lie ahead. If Seungmin hung up then, he would be able to return to the status quo that he craved. He could put Felix and their inevitable entanglement out of mind. 

It would be so easy.

It would be so easy, and yet, Seungmin had no intention of taking the easy road. As much as the thought of his own acceptance filled him with an odd sense of foreboding, he had made a decision and he was going to follow it through to whatever conclusion may lie in wait. Just as he had so meticulously captured Seungmin’s attention that night on the train, there was a certain curiosity about Felix that Seungmin simply couldn’t let go of; not yet, at least.

“I want to talk about our conversation from the other day…” Seungmin put all his courage into the one line and was met with a sharp intake of breath from Felix.

“Oh, y-yeah?” His tone rose at the end, hesitant.

“I checked the lotto numbers you gave me. You were right,” Seungmin cast his eye to the polaroid he had stuck on his bedroom wall. “I wasn’t all too surprised at that point but… yeah, you were right. I feel like a fool for not taking advantage of them now.”

Felix laughed, but it was a weak sound that barely carried across the phone line. “It always ends up being a rollover, you know. Well, apart from the times I’ve taken advantage of it.”

“How much money have you won?” Seungmin asked, then corrected himself. “Sorry, that’s a rude question to ask… you don’t have to answer me.”

“Hmm, let’s just say enough so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore.” The topic was dropped, probably for the best, Seungmin thought. He waited for Felix to continue. “So… does this mean you believe me?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Seungmin looked around his room. He noted how he still had folded up washing to put away, he counted the number of books on his desk (four), and his suitcase that he still hadn’t managed to shove into the small closet. They were minor details, meaningless, but they were tangible markers of reality. “It’s all I’ve thought about these past few days. I feel like I must have tried to talk myself out of it a million times, but… I want to believe you. I’m unsure if I’m there 100% just yet, but I think I’ll get there. In time.”

“You have no idea how relieved I am right now,” Felix let out a huge rush of breath. “I was so scared you were going to think I was, like, out of my mind or something. I was terrified, I really was.”

Seungmin shifted his body, throwing back the bedsheets and drawing his feet towards himself so that he was sitting cross-legged.with his back pressed against the wall. He pulled his pillow into his lap and pushed down on it with a balled fist, denting the soft surface with its weight.

“I can only imagine. If I’m being honest, I did think you were pulling a prank on me. I was kind of angry about it, actually,” Seungmin chuckled to show he had let this thought go. “But I think it’s too fantastical to not be true.”

“Right?” Felix said. “I’m used to it now but I know how weird it sounds. I’ve tried to tell people before with mixed results. One person tried to take me to the hospital… that was a bad timeline. I really am so grateful you believe me. I’m just repeating myself now but… I’m so, so thankful.”

Seungmin pressed harder into the pillow. “I guess I wanted to ask… what do we do now?”

There was a pause on Felix’s end. Seungmin could hear a faint ding in the background, followed by heavy footsteps. Outside Seungmin’s own window a crow started up a raucous symphony in tune with the punk music spilling out from across the hall. It was far too loud.

“I don’t know, it’s been a long time since someone believed me,” Felix admitted. “I guess… do you have any questions? God, I feel like a lecturer or something…”

“You’re fine,” Seungmin reassured him. “There are some things I’m curious about. You’ve said that we’ve met before but, you mentioned Hyunjin, too, the other day. Did you know him as well?”

“Yeah, I did. Changbin and Jeongin, too. We all used to be friends. It’s kind of weird, actually, I think out of all the loops I’ve done this is my first time seeing you room with Hyunjin and Changbin… I was kind of shocked when we bumped into each other in the shopping mall.”

“Wait, how many times have you, er, looped? Is that the right terminology? I guess I mean, how long have you been stuck… like this?”

“Hmmm,” Felix breathed loudly into the phone, making Seungmin pull it away from his ear with a wince. “Oh my god, I think I’ve lost count. Wait, give me a second, I know I can figure it out.”

A sudden flurry of activity on the other end had Seungmin holding his phone even further from his ear as he was barraged with shufflings and rustlings and bangs of all kinds that attacked his eardrum with the intensity of a rocket launch. He waited until Felix’s voice pierced through the din to return the phone to his side.

“Ok, so my maths might be a little bit off, but I think I’ve looped about 50 times now,” Felix said, a little breathlessly. “This current timeline is the 50th. Huh, that’s kind of a messed up anniversary…”

“50 times?!” Seungmin’s jaw dropped. “So if each loop is… 100 days, then… that’s about 13 years.”

“Around about, yeah,” Felix confirmed. “Though there were 1000 days or so in the middle that I call the ‘Dark Ages’.” 

Seungmin could just picture Felix’s air quotations. 

“I lost a lot of time there. Really went off the rails,” Felix continued, almost nostalgic in tone. 

Seungmin frowned. “The ‘Dark Ages’... were you ok?”

“Ah, yeah, sorry! It was a while ago now, I promise,” Felix rushed. “I’m good now. Really. I’ve moved onto my Renaissance. I’m doing ok.”

“If you say so…” Seungmin wanted to ask more about this supposed pocket of lost time, but he didn’t feel it was quite his place. So he moved onto something else he was curious about. “There’s something else I wanted to ask if it’s ok.”

“Shoot.”

“Again, you’ve said we’ve met before so I was wondering… what was our relationship like?” Seungmin pulled his pillow up so it stood vertically, resting his chin on its side. “It feels strange to me that we have this history that I just have… no memory of. I wasn’t an asshole to you, was I?”

“No, never!” Felix’s reply came fast and strong, taking Seungmin aback with its ferocity. “I-I mean, no, you were always really nice to me… we were, er, we were always good friends. Yep. Really good friends.”

“Well, that’s a relief, I guess,” Seungmin said. “Hopefully we can be good friends this time too.”

“I’d like that,” Felix whispered. There was sudden shouting in the background, interrupting their conversation. “Ah, sorry, Jeongin’s calling me… actually, before I go, I wanted to ask you something.”

Seungmin blinked. “Me? I can’t think what you would have to ask me but, go ahead.”

“Well, this time, I don’t know if it’s my place to ask but-”

_“Felix! Your soup is getting cold!!”_

Jeongin’s voice cut Felix off in the middle of his question.

“I know! I’m coming,” Felix shouted back. “I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go before Jeongin busts down my door or something.”

“What about your question?”

“Uh, another time, I’m sorry,” Felix sighed. “Thank you for calling. I’m really happy, like, I can’t express it properly but… thank you, Seungmin, seriously.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Seungmin smiled. “Enjoy your soup.”

“I will. Er, see you around, hopefully?”

And with that Felix hung up. 

Seungmin exhaled as though trying to release his spirit from his body. He deflated, back sliding down the wall until he was once again lying flat, staring up at the ceiling. He needed two more days to unpack their conversation. He felt he had gotten closer to peeling back Felix’s layer of mystery, but there was still so much that was left unknown to Seungmin. As he calculated in his head the days Felix had spent stuck in time, Seungmin was struck by the sheer magnitude of Felix’s history. 13 years of meetings and partings, 13 years of wandering the Earth on a time limit. Even if he was persistent in his curiosity, hounding Felix for answers whenever he had a chance, Seungmin realised he would never be able to fully understand him.

*

Monday came and Seungmin’s college life began in earnest. When he had enrolled online the week before, he hadn’t thought about the challenges of a 9 am start on a Monday morning until he was dragging himself through Royal Park’s fluorescent hallways to his first class of the term, bedhead disguised under a baseball cap, and a large coffee in his hand. He wasn’t late this time, and in fact made a point of arriving before the doors to the lecture hall had even been unlocked, not wishing to build upon the impression of tardiness he had established for himself. He sat at the front of the class, ready to take notes, even if he was having difficulty keeping his head raised.

In the emotional chaos surrounding his meeting with Felix, Seungmin had momentarily lost sight of his very reason for moving to Seoul in the first place. He had dreamed of attending music school ever since injury had dashed his professional baseball dreams and for a while, he hadn’t believed it to be a goal he would be able to fulfil. His relationship with his parents, although amicable, had been stifling. He had heeded their every word and obeyed whatever wish they impressed upon him all through high school, studying earnestly and doing his best for the family’s sake. It was difficult for him to believe that the goody-two-shoes Seungmin who would never dream of talking back to his parents could have stolen away to Seoul in such secrecy. As he sat in the first lecture of his first year of college, surrounded by like-minded individuals, under the tutelage of professors whose academic work he had known of for years prior, he couldn’t suppress the swell of excitement that bubbled up in his chest. This was it, he thought, this was everything he had ever wanted.

His first day of classes ended and Seungmin took the opportunity to explore the campus properly. During the entrance ceremony and orientation, Seungmin had been quick to leave once he was no longer needed and was only familiar with the assembly hall and the student canteen. He pushed his earphones in and let the music lead him where he wanted to go. There was a library full of towering bookshelves stacked with tomes on any subject one could ever want; wooden desks with soft lamps in their corners, separated from neighbours with sturdy partitions that granted one privacy whilst not cutting them off completely from their surroundings. It was beautiful. The libraries back in Seungmin’s hometown couldn’t even compare.

He found the campus bookstore and the convenience store, both carrying a larger selection of products than he could have expected. He stumbled upon practice rooms hired out to students on a rigorous system of reservation that delegated certain days and certain hours to particular years and disciplines. Seungmin picked up a leaflet with the relevant information to study closely once he was back in his apartment.

In the centre of campus was a quad, now abandoned in the rain, that Seungmin imagined would be heaving once nicer weather came their way in June. He was excited to be a part of that, hanging out with friends on the steps, complaining about assessments and assignments. He wanted the whole college experience, from the highs to the hardships; he was greedy for it all.

On the second day, Seungmin was reunited with Jeongin and whilst he was perfectly content to sit alone in classes, there was something comforting about having a familiar face beside him through the long lecture. They corroborated their notes with one another, had earnest discussions when told to, and all in all, worked companionably with each other. Jeongin was still someone Seungmin saw as diligent and hardworking, but their interactions between orientation and the start of classes had succeeded in letting cracks form in that pristine first impression. In addition to his initial observations, Seungmin realised Jeongin was clumsy, almost comically so, and a little rough around the edges, even down to the way he spoke. His words were sometimes harsher than Seungmin would expect from someone who began to doze off mid-lecture and then turned a bright red when Seungmin nudged him awake. 

For the first time in his life, Seungmin was realising just how interesting people could be.

“I’m starving,” Jeongin said, stretching as their class came to a close. “Wanna go eat?”

“It’s eleven in the morning,” Seungmin said.

“That’s fine. Canteen’s open from 10,” Jeongin smiled in return and packed up his books. “Let’s go!”

“Wait,” Seungmin held a hand out to stop Jeongin from rushing off. “I have an idea.”

A hurried text exchange and thirty minutes later the two of them were sat in the school canteen opposite a sleepy-looking Changbin. In front of them were two trays of food, Jeongin’s a lot fuller than Seungmin’s selection since he didn’t have much of an appetite yet. Changbin sipped coffee as he watched them eat.

“Thanks for treating us, _hyung_ ,” Jeongin said around a mouthful of rice. “It’s real nice of you!”

“No problem, don’t mention it,” Changbin glared at Seungmin as he spoke. “Anything for my underclassmen.”

Seungmin chose to ignore Changbin’s death glare and continued eating his own lunch. The canteen was beginning to fill up around them, the noise level rising steadily to a sharp buzz. Seungmin tried to keep track of the threads of the conversation weaving between Jeongin and Changbin, but despite the two of them being in such close proximity, he couldn’t make out heads nor tails of what they were talking about. He nodded when he thought it appropriate and retreated into his head. There was a lot for him to figure out; a new study schedule, how to hire out practice rooms on campus, how many alarms to set for his morning classes the next day and, of course, what to do about Felix.

Even there in the middle of the canteen, barely past the start line of his college career, when he should have been focused on his education, his dreams, his future, he instead found himself wandering back to Felix. It was almost laughable how quickly his thoughts had been claimed by such a mystery. He wanted to solve it; for Felix’s sake, and maybe for his own. The satisfaction of satiating his curiosity was too tempting to ignore. 

But Seungmin was up against the powers of the universe. He couldn’t engage in war with time itself, no matter how disruptive it had become. He was only human, after all.

“Do you two know if non-students are allowed on campus?” Seungmin piped up suddenly. “Like inside the library.”

“I’ve smuggled Hyunjin in before,” Changbin said. “It was a pain in the ass though.”

Seungmin frowned. “I see.”

“If it’s the library, you could lend them your student card or something, swipe them in, ya know?” Jeongin offered. 

“Oh my god, why didn’t I think of that?” Changbin murmured. “This is a game-changer…”

Seungmin dropped the topic in favour of interrogating Changbin, both himself and Jeongin wanting to know exactly how he had smuggled Hyunjin onto campus before. It was a convoluted story with challenges and trials aplenty, at times moving, at times aggravating. When Changbin finished talking, the lunch rush was in full swing, with a body in every available seat. In desperate need of some thinking time, Seungmin excused himself, leaving Jeongin and Changbin to continue their lively conversation. As much as he wanted to stay and chat, he had some thinking to do, and a plan to put in motion.

*

The library was quiet, as libraries were expected to be. Seungmin set himself and his laptop down within sight of the main entrance, to one side of the turnstiles with a clear view of the automatic doors that opened and closed in a constant motion to accommodate the comings and goings of the busy students. He had two coffees at his side and illicit cookies hidden under a scarf in his bag. Whilst hot drinks were perfectly ok amongst the shelves, food was strictly prohibited. The old Seungmin would have followed the rules without question, but college era Seungmin was already struggling with his 8 am classes and needed the sugar boost for what he was sure would prove to be an interesting study session.

The tick of the grandfather clock that presided over the entrance served as a countdown for Seungmin. He didn’t have to look at his watch to know it was coming close to 3 pm; he had been keeping track of the minute hand’s quiet ticks, counting down the seconds to the designated meeting time. Just as he was about to call tardiness, he saw Felix swipe his way through the turnstiles. His eyes were scanning the faces of students and staff alike as he scurried inside. Seungmin stood up from his seat, holding his hand high above his head to wave Felix over. Upon spotting him, Felix bounded over with a huge smile on his face.

“Glad you could make it,” Seungmin said as a way of greeting.

“Of course,” Felix placed his messenger bag into an empty chair, still looking around the library as he did so. “I was so convinced I was gonna get caught you know.”

Seungmin pushed the concern aside with a wave of the hand. “It’ll be ok. Is Jeongin going to be alright without his ID?”

Felix lowered himself into the seat opposite Seungmin. “He said he’s just going to relax at home this afternoon so he doesn’t need it anymore.”

Seungmin shook his head as he pondered his own schedule. He and Jeongin had had class together for two hours in the morning, after which Jeongin had been finished for the day, whereas Seungmin still had the joys of a calculus lecture to revel in. It was still beyond Seungmin why a specialist music school required general education modules in order to graduate. 

Felix slouched in the high-backed chair, legs stretched out so that the tips of his toes were just inches away from the caps of Seungmin’s boots. He looked at Seungmin, smiling. Seungmin stared back, lost for a moment in Felix’s eyes before he remembered why they were there.

“Oh,” Seungmin pushed one of the cups of coffee across the table. “I got you coffee. I wasn’t sure how you would take it so I got you the same as mine. I hope that’s ok.”

Felix reached for the cup. “Black, no sugar?”

Seungmin blinked. “Uh, yes… how did you know?”

“Just, like, from before, you know? You always get the same thing.”

Seungmin nodded, his mouth forming a perfect ‘o’ as if this information was the most fundamental, obvious fact of his existence. “Right, of course. Sorry… do you not like black coffee?”

“No, it’s ok! Thank you for thinking of me.”

Felix took a slow sip, shivering as the hot coffee warmed him from the inside-out. He set it to one side, smiling, but it was difficult for Seungmin to ignore the way Felix’s nose crinkled slightly as he drank. He made a mental note to learn Felix’s favourite coffee as soon as possible.

“So why did you want to meet up today?” Felix said. “Not that you need a reason to invite me out, I mean, I’d come hang out even if we were just going to do nothing but…”

He trailed off, his smile seeming forced.

“I’ve been doing some thinking about your, er, situation,” Seungmin began. He opened up a word document on his laptop, hands hovering over the keys. “And I wanted to ask you a few more questions… if that’s ok.”

“You really like questioning me, huh,” Felix readjusted his position, leaning forwards so his elbows were resting on the table. 

“I do ask a lot of questions, don’t I?” Seungmin agreed. “I promise these will be my last for the foreseeable future. So, first, about the…”

Seungmin lowered his voice to a whisper.

“About the time loop. Have you ever tried to break out of it?”

Felix laughed, short and quiet. “Of course I have. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to get out of it.”

“What methods have you tried?” 

“Well, there’s been a lot, you know?” Felix cupped his face in his hands.

“Can you give me an idea of the specifics?” 

Felix didn’t respond. Seungmin took a sip from his coffee. Usually, the bitter taste was comforting to him, but now it just felt heavy and sour on his tongue. 

“I wanted to see if we couldn’t come up with some way to get you out,” Seungmin explained, wondering if it was his own withholding of information that had made Felix go quiet. “But if you’ve tried before I wanted to know what exactly so I can make some new suggestions.”

Felix hummed. “It’s becoming harder to remember but I’ve tried most of the basics, you know? Like, the stuff you see in films. I’ve tried to create a perfect loop, I’ve tried to fix my mistakes, I’ve prevented bad things from happening, that kind of stuff, but it just… never worked.”

Seungmin nodded. He made a note of each point on his laptop, cogs turning in his mind as he processed the new information. He stopped typing. “Anything else?”

Felix tilted his head slightly. “Not that I can remember.”

“Oh, ok… well then, I have no further questions.”

Seungmin added some final notes to his document. His fingers flying over the keyboard with the hum of quiet library chatter accompanying his thoughts. In the gaps between the noise, his rapid internal dialogue began to flip from simple rumination to outright worry. Maybe he was being too nosy, maybe Felix’s past was none of his business and he had upset him with his incessant questions. He continued typing to fill the void, although he had nothing left to note. The tap-tap of the keys was better than silence.

“Am I free to go, officer?” Felix spoke up suddenly, arms loose in his lap. 

“What?” Seungmin tipped his head to one side, like a dog perplexed by its owner's command.

“‘I have no further questions’,” Felix mimicked, taking on a high-pitched, cartoonish voice that was nothing like Seungmin’s own. “You sound like a detective.”

The sudden joke after the quiet was so contradictory that Seungmin couldn’t even react. He let out a laugh that was more of a sigh, watching Felix in disbelief. “I… don’t sound like that.”

Felix grinned. “No, you don’t. Your voice is much nicer.”

“Uh, thanks,” Seungmin dipped his head behind his laptop screen so that Felix couldn’t see the flush creeping across his cheeks. “Anyway, you’re not free to go just yet.”

On the chair at his side, Seungmin had a stack of books he had collected whilst he was waiting for Felix. They varied in size, paperbacks and hardbacks pressed up against one another, English and Korean texts, science fiction and physics textbooks. Seungmin lifted the stack from the bottom and placed it on the table with a hard thud. Felix stooped to get a better look, his eyebrows knitting together as he mumbled each title under his breath. When he was done, he turned to Seungmin for an explanation.

“Admittedly, I don’t know very much about time loops. It would be impossible to come up with a plan like that, right?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Felix said, still frowning.

Seungmin slammed his hand down on top of the books. It was a heavier action than he attended, and he flinched in response to his strength. “Before we can come up with an idea, we need to do our research.”

Felix wrinkled his nose at the suggestion. Seungmin ignored him and split the pile in half, handing the Korean books to Felix, whilst he kept the few English tomes he’d borrowed for himself.

“There’s some physics textbooks, some science fiction, and also a film guide or two,” Seungmin explained. “I thought we could skim through them, pick out the useful information, and then formulate a plan based on what we find.”

He looked at Felix to make sure he was following, only to find Felix peering curiously at Seungmin’s pile of books.

“Is that ok?” Seungmin asked.

“Yeah, makes sense,” Felix said, still staring at the books in front of Seungmin. “Hey, you took all the English ones right?”

“Yeah, I’m not amazing at English but I can read and understand it fairly well.” 

Felix picked up two books from his pile and held them out to Seungmin. “Let’s trade.”

“Uh, ok,” Seungmin exchanged two of the English books with Felix. “I didn’t realise you understood English.”

“ _Of course I do,_ ” Felix said, switching to English suddenly. “ _I grew up in Australia._ ”

Seungmin’s eyes went wide at the revelation. “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, I realised I hadn’t told you yet in this loop…” Felix said. “We used to speak together in English sometimes.”

“Oh, really?” Seungmin licked his lips. “That’s, that’s cool. Er… are you ok with those books?”

Felix looked at the cover of one of the quantum physics books he had haplessly traded for. “I’m going to be real with you, I’m not great at science, but I’ll try my best.”

They spent the following two hours poring over the books that Seungmin had selected, reading to one another whenever they happened upon a particularly interesting tidbit of information. Early on Seungmin revealed his stash of cookies to Felix who, at the sight of them tucked beneath a scarf, became overjoyed. He perhaps didn’t need the sugar, Seungmin realised, when he began to literally bounce in his seat after eating just two of the biscuits. 

The list on Seungmin’s laptop grew steadily as he took note of everything they discovered. The collaborative notes eventually spilt over onto a second page, already more than he had been expecting. Felix complained at first but soon fell into a rhythm of flipping through the pages, reading a line or two to test how relevant the writing was, and then moving on and repeating the process again. 

At the end of the two hours, they had amassed a three-page document of their research. Felix placed the book he had been reading down gently before throwing his arms above his head with an almighty groan.

“My brain hurts,” He whined.

Seungmin looked up from his own book and closed it. “Shall we call it a day? I think we have more than enough research to go on for now.”

“Please. I think if I have to sit here reading for another second that my head might explode,” He fell forwards across the table, his arms stretched towards Seungmin. “How is it looking?”

Scrolling through the document, Seungmin summarised what they had. “It’s looking ok for two hours of reading. I think some of these points aren’t relevant so I’ll just… delete those, but there’s a fair amount to go off of now.”

“Great,” Felix laid his head down in his arms and sighed heavily.

“Are you ok?” Seungmin asked, not for the first time that day.

“It’s just… I don’t think it’s gonna work. I’ve tried so many times in the past but nothing’s changed. I’m still stuck like this.”

Seungmin paused. He had been so caught up in his own machinations that he hadn’t stopped to think how Felix would feel about his sudden involvement. Seungmin watched as Felix trailed his hand over the side of the table, fingers tapping it gently but producing no sound.

“I mean, what makes this time any different?” Felix said.

“I’m here,” The words tumbled from Seungmin’s mouth without hesitation. Felix’s hand stopped moving. “You have me on your side this time, that’s what’s different.”

Slowly, Felix pulled back, propping himself up on his elbows and watching Seungmin with a straight expression. 

“Maybe I’m being presumptuous, and obviously I can’t predict the future but I want to help,” Seungmin wasn’t in control of his own words anymore. They were dragging themselves from some far recess of his mind as if by instinct, his lips moving with a will of their own. “There’s a chance my… our plan won’t work, of course, that’s a possibility but I think it would be foolish to give up without trying.”

Felix continued to stare at Seungmin from his unmoving position.

“Ah, sorry, god what am I saying…” Seungmin looked down at his keyboard, back in control of himself and his thoughts. “I sound pretentious, don’t I?”

Felix pushed Seungmin’s laptop closed.

“What are you doing?” Seungmin flustered. “I haven’t saved the list yet…”

“Let’s call it a day,” Felix said. “I want to show you something.”

They packed up, handed the books in to be reshelved, and left the library. Felix walked ahead, leading Seungmin into a part of the college that he wasn’t yet familiar with. It was peculiar to Seungmin that Felix could lead them around a school that he didn’t attend, but Seungmin followed him regardless.

They entered into one of the campus’ older buildings, a concrete affair with mildew patches seeping in the corners and a distinct taste of dust in the air. It was seldom used for lectures but was kept intact for the sake of posterity. Seungmin wondered at the classrooms they passed with their long wooden tables and blackboards, surfaces occupied with old trombones and violas, euphoniums and cellos, old instruments without purpose left to rot away from the eye of prospective students. They reached a stairwell at the far end of a long, desolate hallway and they climbed the steps upwards. Each step Seungmin took was a frightful one, the wood emitting shrieks as they climbed, as though the stairs were about to collapse at any second. They reached the third floor where they were stopped suddenly by a rope stretched across the stairway, bearing a sign that read, ‘No pedestrian access’.

“It’s a dead-end,” Seungmin said.

“Maybe,” Felix grinned then held the rope aloft, gesturing under it with his free hand. “You first.”

“We can’t go up there,” Seungmin peered around the corner of the bannister but was unable to see what lay beyond it. “It’s off-limits.”

“It is, but that doesn’t mean we can’t go exploring. Come on, no-one will catch us, I promise.”

Seungmin calculated the probability of his being expelled if caught out of bounds and decided the worst that could happen was he got a stern reprimand and a behavioural warning. He didn’t want that, it would be better if he could avoid trouble, of course, but the way Felix looked at him with his dark eyes shining in the late afternoon light had him throwing caution to the wind. He ducked underneath the rope to the no man’s land beyond.

Felix followed and continued to lead the way up. The fourth floor was a repeat of the second and the third, except here there was a lot more mould on the walls. Seungmin wrinkled his nose, wondering what Felix could possibly want to show him in such a place.

To their left was a wooden door, a small window set in its centre obscured with bits of tape. Felix approached it, trying the handle with a gentle twist.

“Hopefully it still opens,” He muttered, seconds before the door gave way and swung open at his touch. Felix turned to Seungmin with a victorious smile, then beckoned him inside.

The door led to a walkway, connecting the two wings of the old school building. It was like a set straight out of a horror film. The sound of rain was deafening here, the windows thin like plastic. It took all of Seungmin’s restraint not to cover his hands with his ears. It was cold, damp, and unbelievably noisy, and Seungmin didn’t wonder if he was perhaps being led to his untimely demise.

Felix trotted over to one of the windows and looked out, smile unwavering. Seungmin followed, hugging himself tight. He picked his way around the dirt and debris littering the floor to stand beside Felix, staring first at the boy and then out the window. From the vantage point of the walkway, they could see the whole backend of the campus spread out before them like a divine offering. Just below was a small courtyard with a stone fountain at its centrepiece. The benches that hugged its sides were empty in the midst of the downpour, but it was certain they would be bustling with life once June came and the azalea bushes bloomed. Beyond that sat the old practice rooms, brick and mortar affairs with faulty plumbing that were still maintained for the use of the current student populace. Lights in the windows shone like beacons in a storm, and if one strained their ears they could hear the soft melody of a piano underneath the beating of the rain. Students ran by with coats over their heads or umbrellas in hand, unhindered by the weather. One girl passed by with an umbrella decorated in delicate white blossoms, a reminder of the spring that was lost underneath the cloudy sky.

“Once upon a time, I was a student here, you know,” Felix said. “Well, I guess I technically still am.”

Seungmin counted raindrops on the window.

“Before I started looping, I came to Royal Park to study. I’ve always loved music so I wanted to try making a career of it,” Felix leaned closer to the windows, his reflection coming forth to greet him. “Every reset starts the same. I’ve just arrived in Seoul, ready to enrol as a student here; that’s one of the things that never change.”

“So you’re a student even now? I don’t remember seeing you at the entrance ceremony, or at orientation…” Seungmin said, then realised how foolish he sounded. Even though they had met by then, or at least in Seungmin’s timeline they had, that didn’t mean he would have been able to pick Felix out from the huge crowd at the entrance ceremony. As for orientation, they could easily be part of different disciplines, so not seeing him there would make sense too.

“I stopped coming to classes a long time ago,” Felix said. “What’s the point if I can’t graduate, right?”

The hollow feeling Seungmin had felt when the two of them first met returned with renewed fervour. It was like the rain had settled inside his chest, excavated it, and claimed it as home. It ached.

“When I did still come to school though, I liked to hide up here when I needed time to think,” Felix trailed a finger across the window, tracing his own outline. “I’d sit and listen to the rain, clear my mind… it was nice.”

Seungmin stayed quiet. He didn’t know what to say. His very being there felt like an intrusion, even if he had been invited in. He had crossed the line both physically and metaphorically and he knew he could no longer turn back, even if he had wanted to.

“About what I said before,” Seungmin reached out and rested his hand on the window, closer to Felix’s own. The movement caught his attention. Felix parted with his reflection and pulled back to his full height. “I want to help you.”

“Why?” Felix said, his voice echoing through the passageway, making it seem much smaller than it was. “You barely even know me.”

“I know… but I want to,” Seungmin said. He had already decided when Felix gave him that polaroid. He held the shot of the two of them in mind as he spoke. “Give me a chance.”

Somewhere in the distance, out in the pouring rain, a siren wailed through the sky. It drew closer and then faded away, leaving the scene very much the same except for Felix’s newly resolute expression.

“Ok. Let’s give it a shot.”

*

When Seungmin got home that night, he had barely had a chance to remove his coat when Hyunjin called to him from the couch, “There’s a letter for you on the table.”

Seungmin’s face scrunched up as he went to see who could possibly have sent him mail. He expected to find an envelope with Royal Park’s insignia brandished on the front, or a bill with his address typed out in standardised letters, instead, he found a white envelope with his address written on it in red ink.

He flipped it over but there was no return address.

Perplexed, he carefully pried the envelope open and pulled out the two sheets of letter paper stuffed inside. The handwriting was unfamiliar, a little rough, and a cursory glance highlighted all the times the writer had written a sentence and then crossed it out. 

He began to read.

__

_Seungmin,_

_This is the first time in a long time that we weren’t able to meet. I looked for you everywhere; I went to all of our usual places, all of our usual haunts, but you weren’t there. Maybe this time is different. Maybe this time you weren’t able to leave Gurye._

_I thought about taking the bus to see you. It’s about 3 hours from Seoul, right? I really did think about it but I can’t leave the city limits anymore. We visited once during spring the first time. I know you hate it there, but it was beautiful. I want to go back again one day - together._

_Since I couldn’t see you, I didn’t bother going to school this time around. I showed up for the entrance ceremony and as soon as I saw the person in the seat beside me wasn’t you like it should have been, I left. You’d probably scold me for that if you were here now. I’m sorry. I’ve been working a lot though! I found a job at a tourist information point, so I help guide people around the city and stuff. It’s not exciting, but it pays the bills, I guess. I even have a really nice roommate! He’s from Australia too - what are the odds, right?_

_All in all, I’ve been doing my best to live a normal life. It’s been ok, but I’m lonely without you. Tomorrow is my cut-off date again. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but in case I don’t get the chance to see you again I decided to write this letter. Even if I do send it you won’t know who I am._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise._

Seungmin collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs as he reached the last line of the letter. Even without looking at the signature at the bottom of the page, he knew who it was from. There was only one person who could write something like that. Still, he had to make sure.

His eyes trailed down from top to bottom one more time, dragging on the periods and hanging from the curves of each word. He counted his breaths and tried to still his heart as he reached the end. 

He had to make sure.

The letter was from Felix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe that I started out this chapter thinking it was going to be the shortest so far? Boy, was I wrong. It turned out to be very conversation heavy, and I'm not surer if everything I wrote is really needed here, but I hope you enjoy it regardless. As much as I think dialogue is my arch-nemesis, I will admit that I had a lot of fun writing Seungmin and Felix's exchanges,
> 
> Also with this chapter, we are finally finished with the set-up arc, yay! Next stop: ~shenanigans~
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading and I'll see you in the next chapter!


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